Wednesday, March 31, 2010

there's a pageant for everyone. even you.

have you ever wanted to enter a contest or pageant but feel like you don't fit in anywhere?  if that's what you think then you are seriously and sadly mistaken, my friend(s).  there's something for everyone.  and my everyone, i mean EV.ER.Y.ONE.  don't believe me?  let me show you:

here in a shopping mall in shenyang, china is the miss plump beauty pageant.  i seriously thought this was a wedding dress.  or a quinceanera dress.  we have lots of those in tejas.

my friends in mumbai, india hosts the "indian super queen" beauty pageant for the transgender community. around 400 contestants participated in february. 

a balinese transexual gets ready for a similar competition on the island of bali.

khadra al-mubarak is one of the organizers of the "miss beautiful morals" pageant in saudi arabia.  the winner will be the one who exhibits the most devotion and respect for her parents irrespective of her looks.  i am fairly certain that none of my readers will be winning this contest anytime soon.

rita, who declined to give her last name, belts out a tune during the talent portion of the second annual miss independence day pageant at walden house, a residential treatment center south of downtown los angeles.  even addicts get in on the action.

and yes, there is a miss outdoors pageant.  dakota abbott was one of two pageant contestants to also enter the muskrat-skinning contest in maryland.  i'm fairly certain sarah palin could enter and win this whole thing.

these are the three finalists in the prison beauty pageant.  each september, the female inmates hold a pageant in honor of the virgin of mercedes, the patron saint of prisoners.  umm, cool...?

...and lithuania.  they call theirs "miss captivity."  wow.  classy.

baton twirler shelby annelle twirls her heart out in "the great american trailer park pageant."  tt was hosted by jerry springer 2005.  naturally.

there's even a contest between HIV infected women call "miss positive."  perhaps it's just me, but this seems a bit insensitive.  maybe i'm wrong?

the miss dog america competition is fierce.  my bailey could totes win this.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

take me back tuesday: the beginning of flash's soccer career and broken arms

so consensus has it i should do a vlog.  i hereby make a promise to you all and my bffff, squeaky, a vlog will be coming your way soon.  well, maybe soon.  depends on how you define "soon."  point is it will be happening.

now on to the whole reason why we all love tuesdays so much... the two pics below are near and dear to my heart and remind me of my early beginning at a long soccer career.

here's 8 year old (flash) on her first ever legitimate soccer team, the hotshots.  we were pink and blue because our team was made up of a bunch of very girlie girls and pink was THE color of the day.  who would have ever thought that from such humble beginnings, most of the girls i played with would go on to play division 1 college soccer and a few of which play professionally worldwide to this day.  now on to the important stuff - let me address my hair, beaver teeth, and broken arm.  until about age 8, i had rapunzel long hair.  i somehow got the brilliant idea to chop it all off and donate it to locks of love.  (i'm a giver like that.)  i also cut my own bangs.  obvs.  the teeth.  oh my gaaaawsh, the teeth.  i assume (seriously hope), we all had beaver-like teeth at some point or another.  (thank you for orthodontists and braces.)  the arm - this was my second broken arm.  by age 8, i had managed to break my left arm twice.  by age 14, i had managed to break my left arm not twice, but six times.  and i'm not talking little hairline fractions, i'm talking compound, clean breaks, some required screws.  for some reason upper body strength was never my strong suit, it seems.  wearing pink and being a little badass center-midfielder, on the other hand, was.

i hesitated even putting this picture up because it's hideous.  so feel free to point and laugh.  this was me around age 9.  age 9-12 = my super tomboy days.  hence the disgusting kate gosslin haircut.  i'm pretty sure kate got a tip out of my book and this was the haircut that inspired her own notorious wedge 'do.  same soccer team, but now instead of pink and blue, we graduated to red and blue.  less girlie, you know.  age 8, pink was cool, but now that i was 9, i would not be caught dead wearing pink.  i just now noticed the rolled up sleeves.  for some reason, i couldn't stand sleeves.  i still can't.  i always have to tuck my jersey and shorts up.  i swear i envy volleyball players in the spanky shorts and sleeveless tops.  if it were soccer protocol to wear stuff like that, i totally would.

Monday, March 29, 2010

friends, squeaky. squeaky, friends.

so "operation-don't-eat-so-i-can-look-like-a-victoria's-secret-swimsuit-model" this weekend was a total failure, as i assumed it would be.  i've been on this total carb kick for oh, say, 20+ years and i don't think i'll be conquering it anytime soon.

because i have a crapton of work to do and because i am entirely and unequivocally uninteresting this morning, i will leave you to be with my new bfffffff, squeaky.  (and in honor of surferwife, i ask that it be pronounced just as it as written: "bfffff."  none of the B.F.F. crap anymore.)

happy passover to my jews out there, holy week to my Christian brothas and sistas, and four-day work week to all of us!!

p.s. - i'm considering doing a vlog post.  is that something any of you would be interested in watching at all or am  just that insanely boring?  also, what would y'all like to hear about?  are there any burning questions you have or any topic you want me to talk about?  i mean, as much as i like the sound of my own voice, i'd kind of rather you all dictate this show since y'all will - hopefully, fingers crossed - be the ones watching it.

Friday, March 26, 2010

dear readers, i need your help. swimsuit help, to be exact.

so it's that time of year again.  swimsuit season time.  i have this love-hate relationship with swimsuit season.  mostly because these women below make me feel like crap about myself (and make me rethink that bag of organic blue corn chips and  vanilla-sugar cookies i just ate), but also because i end up spending hundreds of dollars on swimsuits i'm not even entirely sure i love.   that's where you gals (and guys) come in because you may know me better than i know myself.

so i went to trusted victoria's and narrowed down my search to some of the most affordable and cutest swimsuits.  i have lots of patterned swimsuits, so i'm kind of going to a solid color and simplicity here.  they pretty much have 345092 different colors for each of these swimsuits, so just because a color is/isn't shown here it doesn't mean they don't have it.  i'll be buying two, so help me choose!

note to self: you are not allowed to eat this weekend.  geez.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

news you can use #15: cars of the future, going postal, famies and lyme disease, the hunger games

cars of the future.  segways meet smart cars.  these GM city cars will be able to "communicate" with other cars to prevent traffic hang-ups and wrecks.  they're designed for use in very high population areas, such as shanghai.  i'm pretty sure we won't see any in america anytime soon.

{i'm pretty sure getting into a wreck in one of these babies with some of our "texas" trucks would mean certain death.}

no more mail on saturdays.  the u.s. postal service dropped to five-day delivery cutting out saturday deliveries.  this kind of sucks because i generally mail stuff out on saturdays, but i guess it doesn't significantly alter my life in any big way, so i'm already over it.  the postal service says this delivery change will save over $3 billion annually.  i certainly hope this means that the costs of stamps will stop going up every five minutes.  for real, i think it was $0.20 to mail a letter when i was born and now it's $0.44.  you can read the full article here.

{images found here}

ben stiller may have lyme disease.  after a trip to mozambique and falling in a ditch hurting his knee, actor ben stiller may have lyme disease.  just so you know, a mosquito bit me the other day, and i might have malaria.  i'm going to the doctor just to be sure.  and just in case you think i'm being insensitive (which may or may not be highly probable), lyme disease is an easily treatable inflammatory illness spread through a tick bite which is common on the east coast of the u.s.  and also just so you know, this was one of the top stories in houston's online newspapers.  we treat famies good around here.

{i'm so glad this story was front page worthy.}

books i'm loving right now:

{the hunger games is the first book and i'm nearly done with the second book, catching fire, and i still don't know when the third will come out!!  i spent all day yesterday home sick in bed just reading and sleeping.  eeeek!  i don't know how long i can wait!}

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

take me back tuesday: (flash)'s soristute days

remember how i promised some good ol' sorority pictures way back when?  well, today is the day i deliver, my friends.  they're not the greatest, but they're all i could get my hands on quickly and i was in a hurry.  unfortunately, i do have another job other than blogging and it seems to be consuming much of my time as of late.  nonetheless, i have found time for you, my love birds.  please allow me to introduce you all to (flash), circa her freshman year of college as a mere pledge of one of the biggest, baddest sororities on campus:

here are me and my girls freshman year at an 80s-themed chapter meeting.  just in case you can't find me, i'm the third from the left in the navy blue flash dance sweatshirt.  i really got in touch with my birth decade this chapter meeting.

here i am with one of my pledge class sisters and my big sis waiting for the party bus outside the phi delt house.  the phi delts had their annual toga party every december in the middle of the freakin' winter and it happened to be about 30 degrees on this particular night.  i don't remember being cold, though.  hmmm.  and please remind me why we thought it was okay to dress this way?  i'm fairly certain women wearing real togas wouldn't have had a toga anything like mine.  clearly, the movie 300 hadn't come out yet to educate me on spartan or greek attire.

last but not least is a photo from a "secs and execs" frat party.  (i.e. - secretaries and executives)  i happened to be "sober sister" at this party which meant it was my job to make sure i was there to help out any of my fellow sororistute sisters if they needed it.  i was such the good little volunteer girl.  plus, i had a soccer scrimmage the next morning and had to be up at the crack of dawn, so underage drinking was not an option.  the guy i'm with was a baseball player and boyfriend at the time; he and i are still good friends.

Monday, March 22, 2010

an (angry) open letter to "spring"

dear "spring,"

i put your name is "quotations" because you are no longer the spring i know and love.  you are a spring poser and i don't like it.  look spring, i don't know what the deal is.  you are i seriously used to bff.  you were all warm, sunny, with a light cool breeze all up in my face and i was looking all hot in my cute springy dresses, cardis, and wedge sandals.  to thank you for your generosity, i always spent as much time as is humanly possible soaking up your awesomeness.  i remember back in college, if i wasn't in class, i was either outside at soccer practice, studying on the lawn, or playing sand volleyball with friends.  we had a very symbiotic relationship, and it was good for a really long time.  but like all good things, they don't last forever.

this weekend, you really let me down.  like big time.  maybe you've forgotten what you did to my weekend; let me give you a visual reminder.  saturday a.m., instead of waking up to this:

{pretty flowers with blue skies and sunshine; and yes, i do expect a goat offering.}

i woke up to THIS:

{oh, and did i mention it was 34 degrees??!}

now how in the name of springtime goodness can you explain that?!  you could not have missed the mark further.  and for that, i am very disappointed in you.  and please spare me the excuses of el nino and "global warming;"  i hear that from al gore enough.  he's the guy who also invented the internet, remember??

please don't pull an apolo ohno and ignore my letter.  i don't like being ignored.  i hope we can resolve whatever rift you've created in our relationship because i have sundresses and new bikinis waiting to be worn.

waiting impatiently with love for 68-76 degree weather,

Thursday, March 18, 2010

news you can use #14: trophy obesity, surferwife being famie, sandra and jesse, dog eats diamond, healthcare, vote for jess

it's thursday, and you all know what that means.  i know, it's your favorite day of the week around these parts and the only reason why you read my pandering.

aiming to be the world's fattest woman.  first of all, you read that right.  second, of all who does this?!  according to this article,  donna simpson is working as hard as she can to get fat - very, very fat.  she weighs 600 pounds, she claims, and is vying for the title of world's fattest woman from the guinness book of world records.  if she can't do it, she'll settle for world's fattest mom.  wow, lady.  wow.  so you're willing to slowly kill yourself and leave your children motherless.  i wonder what people's reaction would be if this woman was anorexic and she was starving herself to be the "world's skinniest woman."  this woman obviously has some sort of illness (other than obesity), and for the sake of her children, i hope she gets help.

 {way to stay healthy for your kids.  very admirable.}

surferwife is super famous which means i am kind of famous.  i am really lucky to be a part of an amazing trifecta.  (trifecta = jessalyn from cape cod awesome, monique from a day in the life of a surferwife, and yours truly.)  each of us ladies bring something awesome to the table.  for one member of the trifecta, we keep her around to get close to the famies.  surferwife and her surferhusband went to the... wait for it... taping of the chelsea lately show!!  if you have no clue who chelsea handler, chuy, heather "longboobs" mcdonald, or any of the other crew is, i've provided hyperlinks and pictures.  you're welcome.  not only was surferchick specifically invited by heather "longboobs" mcdonald, but "longboobs" also follows her on freaking twitter.  this in and of itself makes surferwoman a big effing deal.  let me spell this out for you: "longboobs" has over 28,000 followers and she only follows 30 people.  30 people, people.  surferwife is one of those 30.  insane.  be sure to tune in or set your DVRs to E!  at 10:30 p.m. CST.  surferwoman will be documenting the whole experience tomorrow on her blog so be sure and check her out.  she's promised jess and i it will be legendary.

{chelsea handler and her ever faithful sidekick, chuy.}

sandra bullock and jesse james split??  say it ain't so!!  there are reports saying that america's sweetheart, sandra bullock, and her tatted up husband, jesse james, are no longer living under the same roof.  people magazine is reporting this and people is usually pretty legit... i hope they're wrong.

{j.j. apparently cheated on sandy with a tattoo-porn star model.}

maryland dog eats $20,000 diamond.  i would have died on the spot.  at least i'm not the only one with a bad dog.  mine just eats dead squirrels.  nothing of significant value.

tab for house health bill: $940B over 10 years.  can i just be honest?  i don't mean to get all political up in yo' faces, but this really stresses me out.  house democrats are on track for a sunday vote on sweeping health care legislation that will expand coverage to millions of uninsured while also reducing the federal deficit, leaders said today.   the bill delivers on pres obama’s top domestic priority by providing coverage to more than 30 million people now uninsured at a 10-year cost of $940 billion.  it does so through a combination of tax credits for middle class households and an expansion of the medicaid program for low income people.  read the full article here.

go vote for jessalyn from cape cod awesome here!  you will be able to vote on the sidebar.  it's quick, easy and takes 2.23 seconds of your time.

to catch up on all the news you've missed, go here.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

take me back tuesday: denim and bunnies and pinching boys trying to lift up my dress

 here i am on my preschool picture day, and clearly, i was ballllllin' in my denim and bunny print overall dress.  thanks to the date written on the back of the photo, i can say with certainty that this picture was take the month before my 5th birthday.  i'm pretty sure age 5 was the point at which my personality and attitude were permanently fixed.  let me explain: don't be fooled by my little smile, i had just pinched the little boy beside me in line for lifting up my dress and i received a time-out.  it was all worth it for me though, because i remember the little boy crying and telling me i was mean.  that taught the little effer not to lift up my bunny dress.  men start early, it seems.  and see those splotches on the photo??  it's spaghetti sauce.  i know this because the picture sits in my mother's kitchen, the glass in the photo was broken when someone carelessly dropped me, and she clearly doesn't love me enough to regularly windex my photos.

Monday, March 15, 2010

giveaway winner and a bad case of the mondays

first thing's first.  tha giveaway winna is...

so congrats, lady!!  now, go on over to bomobob's etsy shop and shoot me an email letting me know which one of his amazing pieces you just hafta have!


well, it's monday.  obvs.  and i know how much we all love mondays.  i like mondays about as much as i like going to my yearly "woman's wellness" exam.  (fyi - i HATE it, in case you couldn't get that.)  so in honor of today (i.e. monday - i day i'm not particularly fond of), i'm going to share with you some other things i don't particularly care for.  no, this isn't a negative post.  no, i'm not complaining.  i am simply spreading vast amounts of useless very important knowledge that you need to go on today.  so here goes, here are the things that i highly dislike:

first, mcdonald's.  i've already mentioned in news you can use #12 how unfond of mcdonald's i am, so this is just reason #359735707328345 why i dislike the golden arches.  have you ever wondered what exactly is in a "chicken mcnugget"?  no?  okay, well you're much less inquisitive than i thought.  i'm going to tell you even if you're not wondering. the "chicken" alone contains seven ingredients, and that's not even including the breading.  per men's health magazine (i read it because there are hot guys in it), the “meat” in the mcnugget alone contains seven ingredients, some of which are made up of yet more ingredients. nope, it’s not just chicken.  it’s also such non-chicken related stuff like water, wheat starch, dextrose, safflower oil, and sodium phosphates.  the “meat” also contains something called “autolyzed yeast extract.”  (there's your vocabulary word of the day.)  then add another 20 ingredients that make up the breading, and you have the industrial chemical known as the mcnugget.  mmmm, sounds delicious.

{remember last year when that lady called 911 because mcdonald's ran out of chicken mcnuggets??  no?  well, it's a true story.}

when i spend more than five minutes on my hair and the second i walk outside it looks like this:
{i don't have red hair.  and i'm not this pale.}

having to work when the rest of the world is on spring break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ugh.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

news you can use #13: breast milk cheese, old people, driving and your cha chi, green toilets, models i know, eclipse trailer, and sweet layla grace

can you believe it?  this is news you can use lucky #13.  wow, i can't believe we've been doing this for 13 weeks now.  and by "we," i really mean "i."  enjoy some of the highlights of the weeks; there are some real goodies in here.

new york city chef creates breast milk cheese.  disgusted?  yeah, me too.  you can check out the recipe here.  ugh.  let me know how you like it.

{feast your eyes on this: "mommy's milk cheese rolled in dehydrated porcini mushroom powder with burned onion chutney."  i don't understand 3/4 of those words.}

oldest u.s. woman dies at age 114 year, 294 days.  i want to live until i'm 112 and still be healthy.  i'll let you know how that works out.  i'm sure i'll totes still be blogging.  you can check out all things old people here.

{isn't mary josephine ray just as cute as a damn button?!  here she is at her 111th birthday party.}

don't drink shave your cha chi and drive.  this little gem is brought to you courtesy of none other than mrs. tinseltown herself, hotpantsTM at handbags and handguns.  she down with the celebrity gossip and is your go-to girl on all things oscar worthy.   you can thank jessalyn for the new urban vocabulary word of the day: "cha chi."  i still prefer pikachu, but i'm all for spicing things up around these parts.  this lady apparently had places to go and wanted to make sure she was nice and "tidy."  i just threw up in my mouth.

{stay classy.}

the no-mix toilet.  men, how far are you willing to go to save the planet?  are you willing to sit down to pee, rather than standing if it means you are being environmentally conscious?  ladies, are you tired of fighting the perverbial "i-told-you-to-put-down-that-damn-toilet-seat!"  men and women alike, if your answer is "yes" then boy have i got the toilet for you!  per this article, "this toilet separates urine and poo-poo at the source.  the nutrients in urine can be then recycled for such purposes as fertilizer.  and the other sewage can then be transported to waste treatment facilities where actually can be used to produce power rather than consume it.  the problem is that some people might not like the new toilet.  for men it means sitting down, not standing.  and apparently the toilets are more prone to blockages.  nevertheless, scientists are reporting that europeans seem amenable to the new toilets."  those damn europeans are so freaking trendy.

{you would totes be the coolest house on the block with this sucker.}

i know someone on america's next top model (!!!)  i don't usually watch this show, but i was flipping through the channels last night and this girl i knew back in college is on this season.  i feel famous.  she's from kerrville, texas and she is an ex-boyfriend's sister's best friend.  she was a couple years younger than me, but she'd hang out with my boyfriend's little sister so we'd hang out all together.  she's considered a "plus-sized" model and is one of those girls that looks gorgeous with absolutely zero makeup.

twilight eclipse trailer.  ahhhh!  the trailer's out and i'm so stoked for the movie.  okay, i'll admit, i'm totally down with the vamps.  you can watch the full trailer here.

{my best friends forever.}

sweet layla grace.  precious little layla grace lost her battle with stage 4 neuroblastoma cancer early tuesday morning.  she was 2 years old.  many of you have probably already heard of her as her short life captured the hearts of many.  this precious life had a huge following on both her blog and twitter account and the outpouring of love and prayers has been amazing to see.  her family lives in one of houston's suburbs (the same suburb my parents live, actually).  please continue to pray for her family - her parents and her two sisters.

{layla grace marsh, 11.26.2007 - 03.09.2010}