Monday, March 8, 2010

in which i am a bad puppy mother and almost committed murder

i should probably be writing about the oscars last night, but i'm not going to.  why?  because i've got a much more pressing issue to discuss with you today: this weekend i almost committed murder.  with a spatula, to be exact.  now that i've got your attention, let me tell you how it all went down...

late morning on saturday, i got up, fed bailey, and put her bed and all of her toys next to her bowl so she could play after she's finished eating.  (for those of you who don't know, bailey is my  eight month old little fur nugget head.  there's a picture of her and her bat ears on my sidebar on the right.)  after making her breakfast (beneful healthy puppy growth, no doubt) i went and took a much needed bubble bath.  i got out, put on my robe, and got bailey to take her out to go potty. 

because most, if not all, of you have no clue where i live, i'll describe it: a condominium/townhouse complex surrounded by lots of trees and nature (i.e. birds, squirrels, possums, raccoons, etc.) but not a lot of grass patches, just lots of leaves.  it's kind of irritating.  anyways, i have bailey on her leash, i'm in a robe, moccasins, and have a towel on my head and look like an indian sheik woman.  in order to do her serious biznass, bailey always has to go really far back into the trees and it drives me crazy because her leash only goes so far and i can only hike so far through the bramble.  and i can't let go of her leash or she runs like a convict escaping out of prison.  you're beginning to see my grave dilemma.

so there i was in my robe, moccasins, a classy towel on my head, and she's creeping through the forest-like terrain like she's freakin' rambo and goes by a tree and does her nasty stuff.  her leash gets caught on something, so i go to untangle it.  she moves in the other direction and drags the leash and MY EFFING HAND through the poop.  i throw up in my mouth, scream, and let go of the leash.  the little convict starts running like she freaking stole something looking back at me with sheer mischief in her eyes.  i'm pissed and have shit on my hand.  i scream at her to come.  she doesn't because she doesn't listen ever.  so i scream that i'm going to give her a big spanking when i get my hands on her (because clearly she understands me).

i run to my condo and furiously scrub my hands with bleach, then i run back outside to find the escapee. i spot batwoman in amongst the trees with a dead, decomposing squirrel hanging from her mouth.  i flip shit and start screaming at her.  and i mean i am SC.REAM.ING.  for reals.  like vein in my temples bulging, about to have a heart attack screaming.  

 {you see the resemblance?}

i know the absolute worst thing to do is chase her because she loves to be chased and thinks we're playing a game of tag.  plus she has some italian greyhound or whippet in her so she's shitballs fast.  BUT i cannot not chase her or else she'll stop long enough to chew on the dead, rotting, nasty ass squirrel.  so i do want any normal, sane puppy mother in a robe would do: i scream and i yell and i chase her all through the bushes and trees and sticks and unmanicured nature.  my legs still have the cuts and scratches to show for my efforts.  i look like a crazy woman.  i tried enticing her with treats, her favorite mr. mouse toy, mommy's favorite socks which also happen to be bailey's favorite... this whole scene goes on for nearly 40 minutes.  finally i tell her, i give up and she can eat the squirrel and contract HIV or STDs or rabies or tapeworm or whatever the hell it is you get from eating raw, decomposing rodent meat.  and i tell her when i get my hands on her i'm either going to kill her or give her away because she's being a bad little nugget head.  i leave my front door open.  a few minutes later batwoman - WITH THE DEAD EFFING SQUIRREL STILL HANGING FROM HER MOUTH - comes flying inside.  OMG.  the stench was overwhelming.  i'll spare you the details.

let's just say after many spankings with a spatula later and using a whole container of lysol disinfectant wipes and two cans of febreeze air effects spray, i can finally talk about this event, though i still don't find it funny.  at all.

p.s. bailey is still alive.  i haven't killed her or given her away.

45 comments:

Stacy said...

Hahaha omg, this happened to me once when I was babysitting in High School. The people's dog came in with a dead RAT! When the parents came home and asked how everything went, I just burst into tears. I couldn't hold it in! So I feel your pain!

Just FYI - if she ever does that again - is running away from you and you can't get her to come, try this: bend down and act like you're looking in the grass at something super interesting. She should come right over to see what you're doing.

Nugget furbabys: can't live with them, can't live without them!

Stacy said...

I totaly spelled furbabies wrong. I, of course, had to correct myself. So here ya go!

Vic said...

Oh my gosh I just died laughing! So sorry that happened to you though... I hope it is funny some day. Not today for sure, but some day.

B-Dub said...

At least the squirrel was dead and couldn't run and hide in your couch. Which did happen to me, when I was 7 months preggers. And we were moving so there were crazy boxes everywhere. The dog apparently lost interest after getting the damn opossum into the house- refused to catch it again. Damn Dogs.

Here is to hoping you won't have any live ones!

ps Any word from Apollo?

The Only Girl said...

OMG! Horrific. Big "sorry" for you having to deal with that. Yuck. That is one of the few occasions that it's helpful to have a male in the house. Dead rotting squirrel would fall under the category of "man's job" if you ask me.

But frankly, I'm still stuck on the vision of you in a robe with a towel on your head walking the dog. Can I send you some pajamajeans for such an occasion? As hot as you are, I don't feel robe & towel is appropriate for the great outdoors and I'm concerned for your safety.

Ashley said...

Please tell me you didn't touch the squirrel, like at all? Not even in a towel! Ewww. I think I just threw up in my mouth thinking about it. UGH. I would have FREAKED.

jessalyn said...

i'm sorry. i laughed reading that. like tears in my eyes laughed. but only because i feel your pain. i have cleaned up doggy diarrhea, dealt with them rolling in/trying to eat gross dead rotting things. it will be funny for you someday too. once the trauma wears off.

Cathy said...

Holy hell. Are you speaking to her yet? I'd be so pissed. She might spend a few nights outside, all alone, in her kennel after that stunt if it were my house. No joke.

Kristen said...

I had to laugh at this post, mostly becuase I can totally picutre the same thing happening to me.

Hopefully one day you can come back, re-read the post and laugh!

Natalie said...

I would be LIVID & seriously consider adoption. I agree with the other girl.. stick her ass in a kennel. Doggie Grounded.

Salt said...

Aaaaand these are the kinds of reasons that I would never be able to have a dog. As much as you think you flipped out, there is so much cringeworthy grossness in this story that I think you handled it much better than I ever could have.

THE Stephanie said...

Oh.my.goodness.

Risley said...

sorry! sucky!!
I have totally been there!!

Rach said...

subtitle of your post: Exhibits A through F of why Rach is completely unsuited to being a petmommy. Wuhhhhhhhh. You had me (ready to swear off pets forever) at "poop on the hand."

My sister has two fur-terrors; when they're bad she gives them the evil eye & says "you're going to the pound"... I swear all we have to do now is say POUND! and they shape up. ;)

JUST ME said...

That sounds like it SUCKED. But it also made me laugh out loud. So I'd say three points for making something disgusting into something hilarious.

Shell said...

Oh, gross! You are a good puppy mom for not throwing her out. I have zero tolerance for puppy yuck, which is why we have no animals here, other than my boys.

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

I too had to laugh - I'm sorry. And I'm so sorry you had to deal with this!!!!

We have the issue with our dog, June that she doesn't want to come in from the backyard when called... you have to scream at her and get pissed and yet it's all for nothing. Meanwhile all the neighbors can hear our horrible parenting. We scream, she barks like she's about to kill the neighbor through the fence we scream more... it's horrible this is all usually at 5 am or 12 mn. Seriously you'd think she was a vicious dog - she's a damn mutt - border collie meets lab or something like that - she's a chunky sausage. Sure it's just barking but we rent, and I'd hate for neighbors who rent from the same person who surround us to complain to our landlord. M's had to run out in his underwear to get her before. Thank goodness for our ganked up privacy fence (read: very little privacy) She only comes running to the word TREAT... grrrr!!! On the flip side in the great outdoors, while camping or taking breaks from canoeing you can whistle when she gets too far away and she comes running right to us like the best. dog. ever? WTF?!?!?

I feel for you girl - I would have lost my shizz fo' sho! Poo in the hand IS HORRIBLE! I can't even stand picking it up with a bag - all warm and sick!!! Getting ripped up by bushes is horrible too - having a dead squirrel in the house is icing on the poo cake!!!! I feel for you SO MUCH I can't even explain myself!!!! ox

SHAME ON YOU FUR NUGGET!!!!

AuntBT said...

OMG, this is totally a sitcom scene. I'm shocked all you did was use a spatula. Hopefully you'll laugh about it in like a few years . . . maybe.

Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails said...

OH I WOUld have paid to see this happen! ha. no I am not laughing AT YOU...with you...well, I guess you said you are not laughing yet...but some day you might! :)
My dog had a dead mouse once and I FREAKED thinking the mouse died because it at that mouse poison stuff that can also kill dogs. Well, she never died or got sick, but if she is dumb enough to eat nasty rotten rats, then I say die. Well, I would be sad...but still!
You are a good mom!

Aunt Juicebox said...

I'm so sorry to be laughing at your misery. I can't decide if the shit on your hand or the dead squirrel was funnier. However, I don't know if I'd let her ever lick me again in my life. You got a doggie toothbrush or something?

MCW said...

Ewwwww...I would have flipped as well! So gross!

bananas. said...

K i know you hate her right now but that shit is funny! Dogs have a way of pissing you off and making you go ape shit before you realize how funny the situation is. Believe me, i know.

foxy said...

oh, GOOD LAWD. seriously, i almost threw up in mouth just reading that. glad you didn't commit death by spatula.

Mrs. Hesson said...

It is a very small world! I came across your blog through another blogger and recognized you. I'm Jenna's high school friend and I have met you once when you were in Houston. Hope all is well :)

Nikosmommy said...

That whole scene must have made you krazy! I'm laughing cuz it wasn't me. But I shouldn't because I could see my two hooligans (boys) do something like that to me...and then require me to hang them upside down by the ears. Child services would be called...etc etc.

Shandal said...

OMG to the chasing, screaming, poop on hand all while in your robe with a towel on your head. OMFG to having the DEAD SQUIRREL in your house. I would have been livid!!!

T said...

Smokey really likes to rub himself in any poop he finds outside.

Not just a little rub.

But a rub starting with his face that slides down the entire length of his body.

Ams said...

Okay, if my dog does this I might smash him! Seriously... I will SMASH him!! lol
I would have lost my mind.

d.a.r. said...

OMG I would have flipped the eff out. My insane dogs do crap like this to me ALL the time!!!!

Cee said...

I so feel your pain...bailey and hanna would get along. Hanna loves to eat poop she finds outside recently, I don't know if the goal is to eat it or carry it but when we try and take it away she swallows. K will actually take it out of her mouth but I just scream hoping she will drop it. On Friday she actually barfed up the poop in his car...it was a poop barf.

Jenny DB said...

OH WOW. too funny. dogs tend to do this shit. ours ate a dead rat, we thought it was a long piece of string and my mom pulled out a tail and then a body and then a head from its mouth. ridiuclous. also, my dog in college escaped and decided to play catch me if you can on BUSY ROAD while i was in my bathing suit!!! 90 degree weather me running up and down the street chasing her. good times. i wanted to MURDER her. i have since learned that when dogs escaped chasing them is tthe WORST THING to do. BEst to turn opposite direction and run so they will follow you.. not that it helps in that situation!!! so crazy..

Brittany said...

I'm laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes lol. I can just imagine it now. So sorry you had to go through that lol. Anytime snuggles sees a bird, or a flying leaf, she takes off like a jail escapee. She forgets her name and mind you, I live on a main road so she's almost caused quite a few car accidents. She's pretty dangerous. I hate whne dogs don't listen. Bailey, listen to your mom next time she calls you! And no more dead animals! Girl-doggies aren't supposed to do those things :-)

SaraPlaysHouse.com said...

You know what's almost worse? When your 18 month old brings you the dead chipmunk that your cat just killed.
"LOOK MOMMY!"
But I think yours wins because of the added poo factor.
Bad, bad Bailey!

Ed said...

You know that shits on YouTube by now.

"Crazy Towelhead Lady in Robe Chases Puppy in Woods"

ScoMan said...

I saw you tweet about this and was going to ask something but then got distracted. Perhaps by the thought of food.

You might not find it funny, but I did. I'm sorry.

But at least I'm honest, so I'm sure whatever points I lose for laughing at this story I gain back through honesty. That's how it works, right?

RedDreads said...

I understand the horror of chasing a fleeing convict. My family has three dogs and once one runs our all of the others feel the need to chase after. UGH!

{ I V Y } said...

ahah aw the who's aweosme dog pic is too cute! lol! and congrats on all the awards! woooh hoooo!



xxx

{ I V Y } said...

oh shit haha wrong comment on the wrong blog!

lol murder with a spatula? haha

sorry that happened though! the intro is fuuurrrneeey :)

Candice said...

NASTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-NESS!

P.S- You need to get a cat.

Annie said...

NO WAY!!!! that is SO nasty!!
what a naughty little pupppy you have!!!
glad she is alive and was not murdered by spatula ;)

Bathwater said...

You are a very angry obsessive compulsive person aren't you.

hotpants™ said...

What's up with the last comment? Who wouldn't be angry about their dog carrying around a rotten animal corpse?

Amanda said...

Mercy. This is why we have 4 cats and only ONE dog. The worst part is they have no freaking clue why you're so mad at them..NEVER. Like once my dog jumped over my lap (which was holding a laptop) and kicked the E off my laptop and I screamed holy hell at her, but what good does that do? now she's scared me and I still have no E. (hubby fixed it, thank God).

Big sad face for you and I feel your pain!

sanjeet said...

I totaly spelled furbabies wrong. I, of course, had to correct myself. So here ya go!
Work From Home

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My head just exploded. Twice! Why I have always had cats, cats know better. I am concerned your dog may now have HPV or the clap or Ebola or something from dead, discarded squirell ... head exploding again. Glad you had some Lysol on hand.