i need to share my heart today. it's raw, it's real, and it's unedited.
i wrote this note on facebook back in march 2007... now three years and three months later, i found myself writing out the same thoughts in my journal last night. they are seem to be so applicable and true to where i am at in life right now. funny how life is often cyclical like that.
change: 1. to make the form, nature, content, future course of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; 2. to transform or convert
initially, i found 38 working definitions of the word change. i assume, though, that the first two are most applicable here, particularly the second.
many cringe at the word change, fearing it simply because, in most cases, we don't always know what that change might bring... we don't always want to deal with the repercussions and circumstances that will follow... we don't know if we're equipped to handle the new life that change will inevitably bring. or in some cases, we've grown comfortable in our lives and fear that change will severely jolt that sense of contentment and comfortable-ness.
while i don't necessarily shudder at the thought of change, i don't always embrace it with open arms simply because i'm not always ready for it... particularly the change that God is calling me to right now... He has been wrestling with my heart calling me back to Him... calling all of me, not just the pieces i've been giving Him. He wants more than the half-hearted prayers and half-hearted devotion and praise that i've been giving.
He's calling me to a complete and total transformation and conversion of my heart and mind... and to be honest, it's scary. complete and total trust. jumping in with both feet. leaving egypt and crossing the jordan river to the promised land. God doesn't want me to go back to egypt; and quite honestly, neither do i. but what is it about egypt i want? is it the predictability? is it the "comfort" of the "known" even if that reality wasn't good? or is it just the fact that the promised land is much to difficult for my mind to grasp and therefore scares the living you-know-what out of me?!
egypt: it's comfortable; day in and day out, we know it will always be the same, and for some strange reason, we find a twisted sense of comfort in that. it's because we're scared and we're living in fear rather than being patient and waiting on the Lord and fully trusting that He has an amazing will for our lives. i say i trust God with my mouth, but if i fully trusted Him i wouldn't still be wandering in the wilderness relying on myself to get me the heck out of here. it's because we do not fully grasp that Christ's sacrificial love has truly set us free. free from sin, free from shame and doubt, free from slavery.
my prayer is that God rids me of myself. my selfish wants and desires - and replaces them with things that only HE desires to HIS purpose and kingdom. it's a painful process; particularly when we're fighting it. the phrase "letting go and letting God" seems so easy and simple. but for me, it's quite possibly one of the hardest things for me to do. i feel like a hypocrite saying with my lips, "Lord, i trust you," yet my actions and fleshly feelings are looking back to egypt. i kind of feel like i'm sitting on the border of egypt and the promise land - one foot in each, waiting to take that first step. and i will; i know i will.
trust and complete obedience. i have grown fairly content with my half-hearted little life... i haven't been happy, but i haven't been sad either... i've just kind of existed doing nothing for the kingdom of God... doing nothing for my Lord who i profess to have given my life to... which now just seems to be that i have only been giving Him pieces of me. and i hate that. i hate it more than anything. God doesn't deserve my leftovers... He doesn't deserve the half-hearted worship i've been giving Him... so right now, He is calling me to change... calling me to a transformation of heart and soul and a committed spirit to Him. to no longer fear what i do not know or understand... to quit my sins of omission and dedicate my life to Him alone.
there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love. -1 john 4:18
i am neither fearless nor fearful. i am simply "fearing not" for He is my God.
alright ladies (and the few select awesome men who read my shenanigans), we need to have a chat. a chat about fashion, facial hair (specifically facial hair on women), and what our culture views as beauty.
here's the thing, i realize that the human body is 100% covered in a fine, thin layer of hair. i get that. and most women either wax, thread, pluck, or bleach their eyebrows and lips. it's normal, it's natural, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. THIS, however, is a little different...
am i the only one who finds this both something disturbing and disgusting, not to mention itchy?
is she carrying a plate?
this has nothing to do with facial hair because i am less concerned about the woman (yes, that is a woman) walking down the center of the runway and more concerned about the chick in the red shorts on the left-hand side of the runway. she looks starving and very ill. maybe i'm missing the point of "fashion" and the "beauty" of looking like skeletor; but i am sickened that our society and fashion world often views bones and skin as beauty and fashionable. yes, i realize that many men and women are naturally very thin - God created us all different with a specific purpose in mind; but no human being is naturally bone thin.
what do you think?
and here's the mastermind behind it all - patrick mohr. mohr is known for his strange selection of models, often choosing homeless people off the streets to create his vision, for example.
there are two things i would say to this guy:
1. patrick, i get that you're an artist. or a fashion designer. or whatever. i get that your into androgyny. i get that you want to be unique and different and and push the envelope in order to create "art." to that i say, that's cool. your "art" most definitely isn't my thing, but to each their own. you probably don't like the fact that i love to shave my legs. we can agree to disagree and still live in harmony. i like that your living your dream.
2. while the facial hair is beyond disgusting and androgyny isn't really my thing because i love actually looking like a woman, what concerns me most is that 90% of your models look sick. like near death, frail, malnourished sick. like the kind of sick where they should be in a hospital getting treatment, not on a runway parading their skeleton around as something of beauty. just my two cents.
i had over 200 pictures from the week at camp, but i'll spare you and just put some of them. the week was absolutely amazing, and i'm already counting down the days when i get to go back!!
camp eagle on the nueces river in the texas hill country
"acquire the tire" = a sort of wrestle tog-of-war game that consists of mud, rocks, mayonnaise, syrup, chocolate sauce, powdered sugar, bbq sauce, pickle relish, baked beans, fruit loops, ranch dressing, and lots of battle wounds. it's way dirty and way disgusting.
(lil bro's on the left)
it took a few days for my campers to actually realize i was their adult sponsor. key word there being adult.
rec time with my clan! we dominated, if you can believe that. it may or may not have been because i threatened them that i would make them run during their free time if we lost.
that is the face of determination and victory at the annual 'saints and sinners' softball game. (a.k.a. sponsors vs. seniors) we killed them, by the way.
my clan: the village of capernaum, hole in the roof gang
yes, that is a tight rope tied between two trees. no, i was not very good. three steps was the best i could do.
little bro and me.
little brudder's last year at camp as a camper.
getting ready to do the BLOB!
senior celebration the last night.
the pictures don't really do the week justice. let's just say it was one of the most amazing weeks of my life and since then, my life has truly been different and i'm so grateful that i was able to go.
happy monday everyone! it's gonna be ridiculously busy from here on out for me. wrapping up a series of projects at work and interviewing candidates for my position.
my loverlies. you may or may not remember me. let's get re-aquainted, since i know some of you feel like orphan children (i'm talking to you, surferwoman and jessypants). i left for camp and have since been on sabbatical from blogging for a few weeks. it wasn't really planned, it kind of just happened.
i've been going through a lot of life changes recently, and quite honestly, i'm having trouble keeping up with them myself. in the past three weeks, i have grown and become strengthened in ways i never thought possible.
i'm not intentionally being vague, i'm just still feeling both overwhelmed and incredibly excited about the amazing things God has for me in my life. pretty much everything that could change in a person's life has changed, so i just need to get my bearings again.
just yesterday in fact, i told the CEO of my company that my last day of employment with them would be at the end of this month. i'll begin law school mid-august. i am hastily helping them find an amazing replacement. this next couple of weeks will probably prove to be a whirlwind, but i approach these changes with open arms. my faith has been renewed and strengthened and my course in life has been set.
thank you all for your sweet messages. i promise not to leave again without warning!!
i am a: type-A perfectionist, former college athlete, current law school student, organic food eater, sports enthusiast, lover of good books, political news junkie, hot tea drinker, cockroach fearer, HGTV lover, Christ follower, acknowledged germaphobe, soulful music lover, severe food allergic person, realistic optimist, mid 20-something living the good life in texas. these are my thoughts.