if these people made it through law school, so can i. oh, and i'm getting old. like really old.

the following people actually went to law school and subsequently passed the bar.  scary, i know.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shi**ing me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

i died laughing reading this and i died laughing posting it.  in other good news, i am stressed beyond anything i ever thought possible.  and i'm pretty sure law school is making me irrational and crazy.  and forgetful.  well, i was crazy before, now i'm CUHRAZZZY.  i keep putting the orange juice back in the cabinet where my glasses go. and the other day i microwaved my car keys instead of my green tea.  oh, and i still haven't shaved my legs.  i think my body feels sorry for me because my leg hair hasn't even grown back yet since i got them waxed.

also, i will be a quarter of a century come monday, the 15th.  (un)fortunately, my very happy birthday comes smack dab in the middle of writing my final legal memorandum as well as studying for finals.  yuck.  hugs and kisses, lovers.

video games, bunny cookies, bffff's birthday, and open houses

- friday night i was dead tired from a ridiculous work week.  quasi and i grabbed some dinner and stayed in playing video games together.  i know, i am the dream girlfriend.  video games on a friday night.  exciting stuff.  sorry to disappoint you all with my wicked fun weekend life, but after going out to late business dinners and political fundraisers all week, i was done.

- saturday, i was craving sweets for breakfast, so i ate my weight in those damn pillsbury easter bunny sugar cookies.  (i had an entire box, by.myself. in case you are wondering.)  delish.  i did the heidi homemaker thing and spent the day cleaning, doing laundry, and bathing bailey.  all very productive and adult-like.  after consuming 3,000 calories for breakfast, i decided a run was in order.  plus, my little nugget loves when i take her running with me.  then i met my birthday bffff at the mall to go shopping for her birthday dress to wear that evening.  a group of us went to chuy's for dinner and margs then off to washington st. we went.  good times, with good friends, celebrating a special birthday.

- sunday, woke up for church, realized i was dead tired, and decided to go to a later service.  when i finally woke up, i baked some more of those terribly addictive cocaine cookies.  (i have ten boxes, in case you're wondering.  compliments of my mother.)  later that afternoon, quasi and i went to see a house that i have had my eye on for months.  other than some minor changes that i'd want to make to the house, i'm in love with it!  i'll keep you updated for any new developments.

- and since it is monday morning, and i know how much we all love monday mornings, please enjoy one of my favorite videos.  you will fall in love with gladys hardy from austin, texas.

friends, squeaky. squeaky, friends.

so "operation-don't-eat-so-i-can-look-like-a-victoria's-secret-swimsuit-model" this weekend was a total failure, as i assumed it would be.  i've been on this total carb kick for oh, say, 20+ years and i don't think i'll be conquering it anytime soon.

because i have a crapton of work to do and because i am entirely and unequivocally uninteresting this morning, i will leave you to be with my new bfffffff, squeaky.  (and in honor of surferwife, i ask that it be pronounced just as it as written: "bfffff."  none of the B.F.F. crap anymore.)

happy passover to my jews out there, holy week to my Christian brothas and sistas, and four-day work week to all of us!!

p.s. - i'm considering doing a vlog post.  is that something any of you would be interested in watching at all or am  just that insanely boring?  also, what would y'all like to hear about?  are there any burning questions you have or any topic you want me to talk about?  i mean, as much as i like the sound of my own voice, i'd kind of rather you all dictate this show since y'all will - hopefully, fingers crossed - be the ones watching it.

news you can use #8: the ga loves me, a snarky principal, a $104 mil man, a crematorium van, and a giveaway

i've got a couple new readers since last week, so let me give you newbies a little introduction of what thursdays look like around these parts.  some of you don't have time to or choose not to keep yourself in the know about important events.  no need to fear, in each edition of news you can use! i supply you with only the very best weekly news.  this news includes - but is not limited to - such important things as: world news, hollywood news, movie news, reality tv news, interesting and weird happenings news, things i happen to find important or freakishly cool news, and my news (aka - what's going on in my life news). i know. all really exciting shit.  so sit back, grab a cup of coffee or a glass of champagne and know you are will be more informed after reading this.

lady gaga gets a tattoo in honor of me.  well, actually she got a new tattoo after her grammy wins as a way of thanking her fans, so that means she got it for me since i'm her #1 stunna.  it's on her right forearm and it says "little monsters."  if you don't know what a little monster is, it's her special nickname she has for me.  she endearingly refers to her fans as "little monsters."  i guess that makes sense because i refer to the preschoolers in the sunday school class i teach as "little nugget faces."

{if you look very closely, it says: "love to my #1 fan, (flash)"}

principal in phoenix suspended over sarcastic letter.  this is not a joke.  you've seriously got to read this letter.  this is my kind of principal.  if you laugh while reading the principal's letter, i will not judge you.  this is a judgment free zone.  don't believe me?  i wouldn't either, but you can check out the article  and the letter for yourself.

sculpture sells for a record $104 million.  i almost bought it, but was like "ehhh, i don't really have anywhere to put it in my house" so i decided not to.  ha!  seriously, people who have that kind of dough to fork over for a sculpture - holy shiz.  insane.  apparently an anonymous donor called in and bid on alberto giacometti's life-size bronze sculpture, "l'homme qui marche I" ("walking man I").  maybe if it were covered in sparkly diamonds all over, it'd totes be worth it...

{my little brother once made a clay sculpture like this for our mom for mother's day when we he was little.  she still has it in her kitchen and it's head has been hot-glued back on it's body at least a dozen times.}

"crematorium vehicle.  stay 8 feet back."  i am 99.9% certain you couldn't have read the sign on the back of that van from looking at this picture. sorry. i was driving in the ghetto and it was raining and the previous light had just changed and i couldn't find my phone fast enough and i was turning left and the van was going right. i know - excuses, excuses.  BUT i still managed to get a picture at least.  let me tell you, i was terrified of having that back door of the van opening while i was behind it...

** don't forget to enter my giveaway going on through next wednesday, february 10th!! **

"touching wires causes instant death"

happy friday, lovers!  i've taken the day off today to get some necessary things done (i.e. - get car detailed, go shopping, get facial, mani, pedi, and chubaca eyebrows waxed, go shopping again, take my meatloaf running with me).  you know, the usual.  hope you all have an awesome day and an even more fabulous weekend!  xoxo

{i wasn't even considering it...??}

{no, shit??!?}

{call me crazy, but for some reason i'm less concerned about the $200 fine here...}

{i.wish.every.bar.had.this.sign!!!}

{reminds me of this past winter and all my northern friends.}

{this sign = my kitchen}

need money for karate lessons

some days i hate my job.  some days i'm ridiculously busy.  today i happen to be both: i am hating my job while being ridiculously busy.  but rather than bore you all, bitch about my day, and feel sorry for myself, i need to take a step back and think: it could be worse... i could be this guy:

a child of the great depression

me:  so you know how i got those two new space heaters?  well, i have this great idea.

quasi-bf:  what's that?  you leave one at your house and one at your office?

me:  no!  i'll put one in my bedroom and one in the living room and keep them on while i'm home so i won't ever have to turn my heater on!  i'll be saving tons of money.  it's so genius!

quasi-bf:  no, it's stupid.  just turn your heater on.  why are you being so cheap?

me:  umm, i was a child of the depression.

quasi-bf:  what the hell??  you were born in the 1980s!  your mom was born in the mid 60s and your grandparents weren't even born until the late 30s and early 40s.  who the hell do you even know that lived during the great depression??

me:  my great grandmother.  she once told me how she knew someone who stood in line for bread.

quasi-bf:  your family's not even american!  i'm pretty sure the swiss and italians didn't have the great depression.

me:  i watch a lot of history channel.  i know what the great depression was like and i don't ever want to go back.

the hangover's baby carlos is now a member of our family

mom: so your brother has some sort of character day at school tomorrow and this is what he's going as:

me: aaaaaaahahahahahhahahah

me: hahahahahahhahahahahah

me: hahahahhhhaaaahahahahhaha

mom: okay, that was his reaction when he came walking down the stairs wearing your sister's old baby doll, too.  i guess i don't get it.  she wanted to know why her baby doll was strapped to him and where he was going.  he said the baby's name is carlos?

me: ahahahahhahhahahahah - YEAH!!

mom: hmm, but the baby doesn't even look hispanic.  it has plastic blonde hair and blue eyes.

me: BAHAHAAHAHA, i know.  so this is why he's been trying to grow a spotty, peach fuzz beard?!??

mom: apparently.  okay, i guess i just don't get it.  he said i needed to see the movie.  not happening.  i'm going to bed.

"ed hardy wine: it probably tastes like douche bag"

some lines from my conversation with jules last night:

{background: she recently met a british guy who she's become friendly with, but can't read him, and she wants advice.}

julie: "yeah, i really don't understand him.  a friend i work with tells me there's such a big cultural difference and it only gets worse when they get older.  not sure what the hell that means?  does that mean they don't text or call for a week when they're busy??"

--

--

julie: "i just got to the grocery store and get this, they have ed hardy wine.  it probably tastes like douche bag."

--

--

me: "so have you decided what you're doing for thanksgiving?  you can def come over.  my dad's in germany for work (swiss don't celebrate thanksgiving, obvs), so it'll be me, my mom, my little brother and sister, my grandparents, and four of my cousins.  let me know."

julie: "yeah, that sounds good.  we may stop by.  we have some family from mexico coming in for the sole purpose of going shopping. weird, i know."

me: "is your grandma coming?"

julie: "no, she's convinced she's dying.  she's in perfect health, but everytime i talk to her and ask her how she's doing, she tells me she's going to die tomorrow.  when i ask her why she thinks that, she tells me she's been drooling a little bit, so she knows she's going to die soon.  i told her that's just what old people do - they drool."

me: "really?  why?"

julie: "i don't know, i guess because all of the wrinkles??"

--

--

i love my friends.

happy happy thanksgiving!!!