Wednesday, November 10, 2010

if these people made it through law school, so can i. oh, and i'm getting old. like really old.

the following people actually went to law school and subsequently passed the bar.  scary, i know.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shi**ing me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

i died laughing reading this and i died laughing posting it.  in other good news, i am stressed beyond anything i ever thought possible.  and i'm pretty sure law school is making me irrational and crazy.  and forgetful.  well, i was crazy before, now i'm CUHRAZZZY.  i keep putting the orange juice back in the cabinet where my glasses go. and the other day i microwaved my car keys instead of my green tea.  oh, and i still haven't shaved my legs.  i think my body feels sorry for me because my leg hair hasn't even grown back yet since i got them waxed.

also, i will be a quarter of a century come monday, the 15th.  (un)fortunately, my very happy birthday comes smack dab in the middle of writing my final legal memorandum as well as studying for finals.  yuck.  hugs and kisses, lovers.


Natalie said...

Those are freaking hilarious. Makes you wonder how they not only passed the bar, but got a job.

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

Hang in there!! Once you get out of school everything will be worth it!!! I thought all of those were hilarious!!

Cathy said...

hee hee.

Wait, you're going to be 25 on Monday? You little bitch. I thought you said you were getting old.

Brown Girl said...

Ha, those were great!! Hang in there girl!

~KS said...

Oh boo to the timing of your bday. Sadface. But hey! Now you can legally rent a car. At least in Wisconsin. Not so cool? Yeah... I tried. I'm turning 30. THIRTY! Gross...

I sooo remember your pain my dear friend. 1L year blows. Blows. Period. But it gets soooo much better. The crazy will fade (a bit) and you will one day have a life again. I promise. Hang in there!!!

MiMi said...

Those are freakin' hilarious!
You'll do great on all of your finals, I'm sure.
You're not even 25 yet?! Such a baby. :)

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Ha! Seen this before, still funny! Good luck with finals. If I can do it (and Jerry Springer!), I know you can. It gets better, I promise.

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

PS Forgot Happy Birthday! I celebrated 27 at the library, one day before the bar. Good times. You'll celebrate big time once your exams are done. Hang in there. Sending you virtual cake and A +++++ thoughts.

Tara said...

gosh, i love stupid people who say stupid things! happy early birthday, skinny beeotch.

{andthisiswhatshesaid} said...

Those are hilarious and good luck hang in there!

Leeann @ Join the Gossip said...

Hilarious! This is perfect haha!

You're officially classic when you hot 25! Happy birthday :)

Kate ☮ said...

haha, those quotes provided me with a good laugh in between studying. Thank you =]

B-Dub said...

If you think law school makes you crazy try having two kids. And to top it off I just turned the big three ohhhhh no!!!!!

Hang in there, it gets worse. I mean better.....

MCW said...


Krista said...

Oh, I feel ya! The other day I couldn't find my cell phone... until I "discovered" it in the dishwasher!

SurferWife said...

Finally you're going to be 25. Finally.

Happy early birthday, my heart.

Ashley said...

I just found you through Tara's blog and love your blog! HILARIOUS post.

Bathwater said...

Thank you Mer for posting these they were extremely funny. You are NOT old or ugly but you are missed. Keep up the good work and Happy Birthday!!

Lauren said...

Oh goodness, this is funny! Hope you survive the next few weeks! Oh, and metal + microwave = fire. Trust me on this one...!

PeaceLoveApplesauce said...

Seriously, hilarious!
And happy almost birthday!

d.a.r. said...

These are actually from a book--Disorder in the Court. It is freaking hilarious!!

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

These are all awesome. Thank you for the laughs! Get yourself some much needed R&R ASAP LADY!I Hope you have an amazing birthday regardless of all you have to handled. Take a moment to enjoy yourself - "NOT A CERTIFIED DOCTOR'S" orders! :) ox

jessalyn said...

you are so young, my pretty. 30 is sucking. i am getting fatter and lazier. it is bad news.

good luck with all this crazy workywork- it will all be worth it when you are living in the white house. (i realize that being a lawyer has nothing to do really with being president, but i still think you will be president one day. so that's that.)

happy happy birthday wonderwoman!!

Anonymous said...

Old? You make me laugh. So did this post.

SBG said...

haha im right there with you on that quarter century bday. dec 2nd. 25.

Ed said...

These are awesome.

Happy early birthday.

Toyin O. said...

So funny.

Kristina said...

This was so beyond crazy funny...thanks for sharing!
Kristina J.

Dylana Suarez said...

This is hilarious!


Jessi said...

Hahahaha, these are great!! Hope you survived the semester and enjoyed your holidays :)
xoxo J

andy & lo said...

haha cute blog

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Checking in on you! Hope your first semester finals went well and you enjoyed your winter break from classes. I think I slept for three days straight after that first round of exams! Cheers and Happy New Year, J

C'EST DEMODE said...

this is hilarious.

xxo Tess S.

Jana said...

Absolutely hilarious. Thank you for sharinG!

Bri said...

Too much! Thank you for sharing!

The Shabby Princess said...

Girl, you are not old! I'm allowed to say that because I'm older than you and I refuse to belive that I am old.

Hang in there chica, you will be one kick ass attorney!


Anonymous said...

These are hilarious!

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