Thursday, February 25, 2010

news you can use #11: the houston rodeo, "dead" people, ironman, don't marry your first cousin, and sad news

i've got a couple new readers since last week, so let me give you newbies a little introduction of what thursdays look like around these parts.  some of you don't have time to or choose not to keep yourself in the know about important events.  no need to fear, in each edition of news you can use! i supply you with only the very best weekly news.  this news includes - but is not limited to - such important things as: world news, hollywood news, movie news, reality tv news, interesting and weird happenings news, things i happen to find important or freakishly cool news, and my news (aka - what's going on in my life news). i know. all really exciting shit.  so sit back, grab a cup of coffee or a glass of champagne and know you are will be more informed after reading this.

the houston livestock show and rodeo.  that's right, it's that time of year again in houston - rodeo time!  if you don't have a clue what a BIG EFFING DEAL the rodeo is in h-town, do your research.   i even gave you the link.  it's big.  the rodeo cookoff starts TONIGHT and one of the companies i lobby for has a tent, so you know i'll be there in my texas best attire.  i may even bust out the fringe shirt.  and i may even take pictures.  for you.  in the meantime, here's something to get you non-texans excited out there.  i know my canadian, aussie, and new zealand lovers will love this:

{the goal is to ride for 8 seconds.  good luck.  i wouldn't get on in the first place.  black beauty there obviously isn't having any of it.}

{how can you not love taylor??  we always have a pretty decent concert lineup.}

{you have to ride the ferris wheel at least once.}

{one of the rodeo tents.  this is where the crazy shiz goes down.}

'dead' colombian woman moves arm at funeral home.  when i was little i was seriously terrified of being buried alive.  my grandmother used to tell me horror stories growing up of people being buried alive in the 1800s and early 1900s because they were presumed to be dead.  i figured by 2010 we would have gotten this whole "medical death confirmation" thing down.  apparently not.  you can read about it here.

bill clinton is more like ironman than we thought.  per the onion, one of my favorite news sources in the world, former president bill clinton has had a unibeam installed in his chest.  i'm not sure what this mean for hilary.

banning marriage against 1st cousins.  a maryland lawmaker wants to ban marriage among 1st cousins saying people should stop playing "genetic roulette" with their offspring.  my response to this: umm, no shit.  there's not already a law in place for this??!?  oh, and just an fyi - there are 24 states in the united states that prohibit marriage between first cousins.

in other sad, but it-needed-to-happen news... mine and my boss' admin assistant was let go yesterday.  it's a long story and i hope only the best for her, but it was unfortunately one of those things that just really wasn't working out and is definitely for the best for all involved.  that being said, it means lots o' extra work for yours truly and my boss until we can get someone.  my point in telling you all is because i'll now be even busier than ever, which leaves less time for the important things like commenting on your blogs.  i'll do my darndest, though and i promise to cry about how much i miss you.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

-- UPDATED -- a letter: i'm on to you, girl scouts of america

dear girl scouts of america:

don't think i don't know what you're up to.  i'm on to you and your plan to make me fat one daisy go-round and trefoil at a time.  i've already purchased 32 boxes of cookies from you brown and green vest-wearing people.  you heard me: THIRTY TWO.  i can prove it by taking a picture of my hall closet for you.  that's right, i said my hall closet.  right next to my ironing board, an exercise ball i never use, and a couple of "buns of steel" circa 1988 workout videos.  do you know why i have your awfully delicious cookies in my hall closet??  because I HAVE NO ROOM IN MY PANTRY.  that's why.  you people are enablers who are interfering with my daily nutritional needs.
 {well isn't this just the most PC photo op ever.}

like i said i have THIRTY TWO boxes.  i tell you people this every single day when i go into the grocery store.  there's like 53 of you, all no taller than chuy on chelsea lately, grabbing at my waist begging me to "support your troop!" and buy yet another box of regrettable goodness.  well, you know what ladies??  i've had it!  i've had it with you making me fat just in time for swimsuit season.  you get me on the way in AND then again on the way out.  i know you remember me scream "NO!!" at you the first time.  and you should know that "no" means "no!"  wouldn't want to have a lawsuit on your hands like kobe did, now do you??  that would taint the name of girl scouts of america in a hot minute.

so please, for the love of toned thighs, six-pack abs, and my desire to look like alessandra ambrosio, please leave me alone.

i'm almost out of trefoils, p.s.  you know where i live and i think you still have my credit card number.

love and girl scouts honor,

sidenote #1: a few of you have asked how i'm able to eat these with my food allergies.  i can't eat all of them, (i.e. - the ones that contain milk and nuts), but i can eat the daisy go-rounds (the cinnamon-sugar ones).  i hear i'm missing out on all of the other flavors but whatev.  also, i'm gotten a lot of the little girl scout devel recipes and "modify" some of them to what i can eat. 

sidenote #2:  i don't eat all the boxes by myself!!!  i sent some boxes overseas to the troops in iraq and afghanistan and some to friends going to grad school in other countries and i keep some in my car to give to homeless people asking for food or money.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

take me back tuesday: sibling school days

ohhh the joys of "chapel" days where we had to wear our ties, blazers, and "nice" shoes.  my "nice" shoes were dr. martens.  and let me tell you, you were not suuuuuper cool unless you wore dr. martens.  why?  i don't know.  the shoes were an ugly, hot mess and seriously weighed about 3.4 pounds a piece.  no joke.  i was in 8th grade here (age 14), little brother was 7, and little sister was probably 6 months or so.  i had braces, a slicked back bun, a pleated khaki skirt, an oxford blue shirt, tube socks, a cool tribal-looking necklace, and a bow tie which was clearly not tied into a bow.  i was the essence of fashionable.  if only i were still so cool.

this photo was taken my senior year of high school.  my little brother was 10 here, and the little blondie in the front was 3.  you can clearly pick out who's italian in this family and who's swiss.  we're so multi-cultural.  because i went to an all-girls school, i cheered for one of our brother all-boys schools, and my family reluctantly faithfully came to nearly all of the sporting events at which i cheered.  a group of my guy friends always painted there bare-chested bodies; they did this even in 30 degree weather.  they got my poor, unsuspecting little brother on the let's-paint-ourselves-with-old-paint-that-won't-come-off-with-anything-but-a-brillo-pad bandwagon.

p.s. it's supposed to SNOW today.  SNOW.  in HOUSTON.  snow.  cuh-razy.

Monday, February 22, 2010

chirp. tweet. peep.

that's right, i gave in to peer pressure: 

Saturday, February 20, 2010

like mother, like daughter: THE ga edition (aka - why i know for sure that my little nugget and i were meant to be)

so while i've was out of town for a business trip, bailey stayed with her mimi (aka - my mom, aka - free doggy daycare).  since i don't have kids of my own, my little nugget head is my baby; and like any good momma, i worry about her and check on her throughout the day.  here's the scene that went down yesterday morning:

me: hey mom, how's my little koo bear doing?  is she crying for her mommy to come home??

mimi: no, she loves it at her mimi's.  she's watching tiger woods apologize on tv right now.
mimi: but after about 2 minutes, she yawned and decided he bores her.  she isn't buying it.
mimi: she much prefers watching lady gaga.

Friday, February 19, 2010

an apology to my readers

my last post was apparently viewed as insensitive to some.  for that, i sincerely apologize.  for those of you who actually know me, you know that being insensitive or unkind is never - and will never be - my intention whatsoever.  for those of who you don't know me, i consider austin a home away from home in many ways; i have family here, i attended school here for two years, and i have dozens of friends who still reside in austin.  this city is my state's capitol, and in my line of work, i travel here very often.  i see the devastation this event caused in some people's lives - i was corrected by a reader that there has been one confirmed death and an individual who suffered severe burns.  i was unaware of this at the time of the post.  my prayers go out to those families and those injured or affected by this event.

in short, i hope all of my readers know my intentions.  my intentions were not, are not, and will never be to be insensitive or cruel.  yesterday was news you could use day and that event was indeed "news."  very sad news.  the event was a tragedy, and the saddness it has caused to some families is most certainly not something to be laughed at.  in my poor attempt to laugh at myself, i lost quite a few followers as a result.  once again, i truly do apologize for anyone who was upset or offended by my last post.  as i have stated, that was not at all my intention and i hope you can see that.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

news use you can use #10: how i narrowly escaped death

so as some of you know, i am away at a conference in austin, tx which is why you haven't heard from me today.  i know, sad story.  what's even sadder is THIS.  please tell me you watch the news, read the newspaper, or something.  just in case you are too lazy to click on the link which i so un-lazily hyperlinked for you, i will tell you what is particularly newsworthy in my life today - i could have died.

look, i know.  you're scared and you're wondering if i'm okay.  cathy (aka - antsy pants) was worried as shit about me and sent me an email to confirm whether i was alive or dead.  true friend, that cath is.  and the answer to that question is yes, i am okay.  barely, though.

here's the deets on what went down: a software engineering guy peeved at the IRS (who isn't peeved at the IRS?) decided he was so mad he'd set fire to his own house then fly his plane into an office building that houses federal tax employees.  oh, and i should mention this happened in AUSTIN, TX this morning.  the same AUSTIN, TX i'm in RIGHT NOW.  now you're scared, right?  to scare you even more and to make you thankful that i'm alive, here are some pics documenting my whole near death experience.*

* just for good measure and to make sure i don't sound insensitive or seem like i'm making light of this awful event, no one died in this event.  well, the man who flew the plane into the building who also burnt down his house died, but (to my knowledge, which can be sketchy sometimes) there were injuries, but no deaths, thank goodness.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

take me back tuesday: bad hair, daisey dukes, yin and yang, and converse... oh, yeah and the new BANGS.

don't worry... i didn't forget that today was tuesday.  it just took me a little longer than usual today.  plus, i was too busy of thinking of the hundreds of reasons why i'm so incredibly unqualified to be a paired figure skater. 

that being said, let me officially welcome you to take me back tuesday where i'll be taking you back to third grade.  feel free to cringe at any point.

the scene

age: 8 years old

what: the morning of my first day of 3rd grade

why: because my mom took pictures every year documenting my "first day of (insert grade level here)" and i clearly liked to ham it up for the camera like a freaking porkchop

now on to addressing the attire and pose

hair: i was in a tomboy stage.  forgive me.  and clearly, i was growing out my bangs.  remember when having bangs was no longer "cool" anymore so everyone pinned them back while they were growing out?  it's funny how fads come and go.  it's even more interesting today because i now (as of yesterday, as a matter of fact) have bangs.  like real legitimate bangs; not the i-have-short-side-bangs-that-pose-as-real-bangs-but-aren't-really.  i may or may not show you a picture at the end of this post.  but probably not though because i hate them on me.  and i cried this morning when i woke up and they were sticking up all over the place like beetlejuice.

necklace: yin-yang necklace.  duh.  those were so the shiz.  i was yin and my best friend was yang.  or maybe it was the other way around, i can't really remember.  in this picture, i think i was actually wearing both the yin and the yang which i think means i'm a whole person who has reached the self-actualization stage on maslow's hierarchy of needs.

shorts: these shorts gave daisy dukes a whole new meaning.  not the fact that they were short, but they had actual daises on them.  well, by real i mean daisy decals, but still.

shoes: converse.  obvs i was the most badass 3rd grader in the school.

oh, and because some people were asking... i'll show you my accidental bangs.  like real bangs that i have no idea what i'm supposed to do with now that i have them.  i need brooke or mayra's help since they both seriously have perfect bangs.

{driving in the car, this morning, on the way to work, waiting at an extremely long stop light, and being grouchy about my beetle juice looking bangs}

{this was during my lunch break today.  you can probably see bailey going potty in the background somewhere.}

why i could never be a figure skater

i don't know about you, but i've pretty much spent the past three days glued to my television screen watching the olympics.  seriously.  i'm obsessed.  and as i've been watching, i've come to the conclusion that there are quite a few events in these winter games that i could never do.  ever.  besides the luge (duh, you've got to be seriously crazy or extremely fearless to thrust yourself 90mph across ice laying down), pairs figure skating is one event i could never see myself doing.  there are a multitude of reasons why i could never be an ice skater, none of which involve the fact that i can't do a triple axle loop twirl thing. 

the outfits.  i hate itchy clothes, tights, unitards, things that go up my butt crack, or things that could potentially give me a camel toe.  not only that but they seem prone to wardrobe malfunctions.

the MEN'S outfits.  i know, i know - i'm sure there are plenty of heterosexual male figure skaters.  plenty of heterosexual men willing and excited to put on a pair of sparkly, lacey unitard tights.  i'm sorry, i just really cannot take a man seriously when he's wearing more glitter and frill than kleinfeld's on a open trunk day.

{i'm sorry, i can't take them seriously.}

lack of trust.  i wouldn't trust my partner enough to let him do shit like this:

{seriously.  if he dropped me on my face, i'm pretty sure he'd receive a swift, sure kick in between the legs with my skate blades.} 

i weigh over 100 pounds.  i don't know if you've noticed but all of these women weigh approximately 95 pounds or less.  and have .00002% body fat.

i can't skate backwards.

tonya harding might come and try to hack my legs off.  please tell me you remember this story.

i would beat my partner with my skate if he fell during a triple axle loop jump.  after practicing for thousands and thousands of hours, i expect darn near perfection.  if my partner failed to land a quadruple axle jump, and i nailed it (naturally), i would have a hard time not public flogging him with my ice skate.  i didn't train for the olympics not to win!

{seriously??  i did not come all this way for you to make a fool of me in front of the world!}

i wear hockey skates when i go ice skating, not figure skates.  i believe this would present somewhat of a problem.

Friday, February 12, 2010

the 10 weirdest athletes of all time

in honor of the opening ceremonies of the olympics this evening, i find it appropriate to share the bleacher report's ten weirdest athletes of all time.  you may love them, you may hate them, or you may not have a clue who the hell they are; in any case, these guys will make you feel "normal," which i know is a stretch for some of us.  i am sad to say - because i did not create this list - THE ga is not on it.  don't worry, i'm still her #1 little monster, along with my haley gaga, of course.

10. clinton portis
{running back for the washington redskins, clinton portis is a nut.  he has various characters he dresses up as for interviews.  like i said freakshow.}

9. chad ochocinco
{just in case you're wondering, he legally changed his changed his last name from "johnson" to ochocinco.  (i would not want to marry him and have to take his name.)  for real.  that in and of itself should give you an idea of the normalcy of this guy.  he probably doesn't even speak spanish.  he's known for his crazy touchdown celebrations, hence the sign in the photo.  }

8. bill "spaceman" lee
{"lee was a man of the earth.  he spoke to animals, supported environmental causes, practiced yoga, and consumed A LOT of pot. in fact, he was once fined $250 by major league baseball for sprinkling marijuana on his pancakes."  i knew that would get your attention.  he was also ridiculously smart.}

7. manny ramirez
{to be honest, i really don't think he's that weird.  at least not weird enough to make the list.  but that's just my opinion.}

6. jimmy piersall
{an outfielder who played in the 50s and 60s, piersall thanks his bipolar disorder for making him famous.  cool?}

5. turk wendall
{the fact that he's wearing what appears to be teeth around his neck should be your first clue.  he was one of the most superstitious baseball players ever and brushed his teeth in between every inning.  honestly, i don't find that weird.  i find it to be a man practicing good hygiene.  he obviously had a thing for teeth.}

4. joe namath
{"broadway joe" was extremely flamboyant in his full length fur coats he'd don on the sidelines.  and he once did an ad in the 70s for pantyhose.}

3. mark "the bird" fidrych
{he apparently looked like big bird and did weird things.  i'm seeing a theme here with baseball players.}

2. dennis rodman
{duh.  this freakshow HAD to make to list.  where is he now, anyways??}

1. mike tyson
{i'm pretty sure no commentary is necessary here.  though my little fur baby has a thing with biting off her mr. mouses' ears, too...}

Thursday, February 11, 2010

news you can use #9: giveaway winner, THE ga, psychiatry, samba queen, cows in new zealand, and SVU v-day cards

the winner of my first ever giveaway is... juliana from a blonde walks into a blog.  congrats, m'dear!! 

{i hope you and the hubby luff them!}

THE ga and cydi lauper are the new faces for the M.A.C. AIDS fund.  seriously, y'all i'm obsessed.  thanks to my bff to this information.

{cyndi is sooooo lucky!!!!}

psychiatry's bible rewritten.  don't know what the psychiatric bible is?  it's the DSM - diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders.  kind of seems like it should really be called DSMMD, but what do i know.  according to an article from the washington post, "children who throw too many tantrums could be diagnosed with 'temper dysregulation disorder with dysphoria.'  and teenagers who are particularly eccentric might be candidates for treatment for "psychosis risk syndrome."  men who are just way too interested in sex risk being labeled as suffering from 'hypersexual disorder.' "  my questions to the DSM are: are you suggesting parents drug their children?  benadryl is an OTC drug, so i supposed that could work.  i don't know a teen who isn't a little weird.  AND what man isn't obsessed with sex??  i can only imagine what disorders i'd be diagnosed with according to the geniuses.

 the winter olympics start TOMORROW.  for the next two weeks my life will be pretty much booked.

seven year old samba queen.  seven year old, julia lira, gets the "ok" to be the samba queen at rio de jainero's carnival.  if you don't know what carnival is in south america, just think of mardi gras on steroids.  i dated a colombian guy and their carnival parties get cuh-ra-zzzzay.

{i have to admit, i'm really jealous.  i wanted to be samba queen this year!!}

new zealand has more cows than it does people.  this is for true.  "a record 5.8 million dairy cattle were counted in the year ended june 2009, statistics new zealand said tuesday — well more than one animal for each of the country's 4.3 million citizens."

{just because i know how much you all loved the cat tattoo.}

law and order: SVU has special valentine's day cards.  don't fret about sunday's big day.  you still have time to get your lover their very own v-day card compliment of my friends at l&o: svu.

{christopher meloni read my mind.}

praise sweet baby Jesus that tomorrow is finally friday.  this has been a hellacious week.