Tuesday, February 16, 2010

why i could never be a figure skater

i don't know about you, but i've pretty much spent the past three days glued to my television screen watching the olympics.  seriously.  i'm obsessed.  and as i've been watching, i've come to the conclusion that there are quite a few events in these winter games that i could never do.  ever.  besides the luge (duh, you've got to be seriously crazy or extremely fearless to thrust yourself 90mph across ice laying down), pairs figure skating is one event i could never see myself doing.  there are a multitude of reasons why i could never be an ice skater, none of which involve the fact that i can't do a triple axle loop twirl thing. 

the outfits.  i hate itchy clothes, tights, unitards, things that go up my butt crack, or things that could potentially give me a camel toe.  not only that but they seem prone to wardrobe malfunctions.





the MEN'S outfits.  i know, i know - i'm sure there are plenty of heterosexual male figure skaters.  plenty of heterosexual men willing and excited to put on a pair of sparkly, lacey unitard tights.  i'm sorry, i just really cannot take a man seriously when he's wearing more glitter and frill than kleinfeld's on a open trunk day.


{i'm sorry, i can't take them seriously.}

lack of trust.  i wouldn't trust my partner enough to let him do shit like this:

{seriously.  if he dropped me on my face, i'm pretty sure he'd receive a swift, sure kick in between the legs with my skate blades.} 

i weigh over 100 pounds.  i don't know if you've noticed but all of these women weigh approximately 95 pounds or less.  and have .00002% body fat.

i can't skate backwards.

tonya harding might come and try to hack my legs off.  please tell me you remember this story.


i would beat my partner with my skate if he fell during a triple axle loop jump.  after practicing for thousands and thousands of hours, i expect darn near perfection.  if my partner failed to land a quadruple axle jump, and i nailed it (naturally), i would have a hard time not public flogging him with my ice skate.  i didn't train for the olympics not to win!

{seriously??  i did not come all this way for you to make a fool of me in front of the world!}

i wear hockey skates when i go ice skating, not figure skates.  i believe this would present somewhat of a problem.

33 comments:

Christin said...

This is hilarious! I always wanted to be a figure skater, but honestly, I don't think I could ever do it for the same reasons. Plus I'm just uncoordinated and NOT graceful.

hotpants™ said...

I went to bed at 1 in the morning because I was behind on yesterday's coverage. I am a hot mess today. So tired!

I don't know what I'm going to do tonight with 2 hours of American Idol and the Olympics.

Stacy said...

Haha, have you ever seen The Cutting Edge? Toe pick!

P.S. I took a cue from you (and your take me back tuesdays) and have some old pictures of myself and one of my favorite things to do....

http://stacysaysblog.blogspot.com/2010/02/cake-or-death.html

Ashley said...

This made me laugh. I couldn't do it for all of the same reasons, but mostly the trust. That is some serious trust...what is to keep them from dropping her much like that guy fell? Uhhnahthanks!

T said...

The 3rd picture just screams "Hey! Look here at my red satin covered vagina. Look at it! LOOK AT IT!!!!!!!!"

And the men's pictures? I bet they're screaming inside "Jazz Hands!!!!"

Morgan said...

AMEN to it all!

Stacy said...

Haha, I'm sure your bangs are fine! But yeah, I think my dad had cut them in that picture. He's a surgeon so you'd think he'd be able to cut hair, but a stylist he is not.

Julie (brown eyed belle) said...

I stayed up until midnight so I could see who won in the pairs competition! I'm surprised my eyes aren't bloodshot and glazed from being glued to the TV! I live for the Olympics!! I have the Vancouver website bookmarked on my computer so I can compulsively check the medal count! But pairs skating, I'm too much of a control freak to depend on someone else :) I know you feel the same way!

Aunt Juicebox said...

Didn't the ones in the top pic get lambasted for their rendition of whatever culture they were pretending to depict?
Much like football, I never watch the Olympics. The only thing I ever really have seen randomly though, has been the figureskating.

Marian said...

I think rocking the hockey skates instead of the figure skates would put you miles in front of your competition.

And speaking of the outfits...did you happen to catch the pair that wore some sort of geese on their unitard. Yeah, I got a good laugh at that

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

I'm with you on this completely. I don't like camel toes at all and if a dude came at me on ice skates wearing THOSE outfits I'd laugh my ass off. I don't want to ice skate with a dude unless he's dressed in hockey gear or plain clothes.

Pair this with the fact that I really don't like figure skating unless it's singles - and it pretty much sums up why I won't watch it or compete ever. My mom would be SO disappointed she always wanted to do that as a child and she totally could have she was such a skinny mini!

foxy said...

I may have to disagree about heterosexual men in this sport. There's just NO WAY they can wear those outfits and be hetero. I mean, I know that 'toe pick' movie was cute and all (okay, i loved it), but there's just no way that straight dudes would wear those outfits.

And seriously, what story is better than the Harding/Kerrigan story? That was ice skating drama at it's best right there.

Meredith Travels said...

Stacy, I was totally thinking TOE PICK too! I loved that movie with a kid.

And M are you sure that first outfit wouldn't be a hot little number for a Friday night?

jessalyn said...

um. i am wearing that top leotard with the tribal paint and leaves covering my girls today. way to insult my taste.
but seriously though, i used to figure skate- alone, not in pairs...and i hurt mucho body parts. the last thing i needed was a dude making me get hurt more. because we all know, men just make stuff more complicated.

♥Aubrey said...

Seriously girl...you NEED to watch "The Cutting Edge". Luv it to pieces and my favorite line..."TOE PICK". :)-

The outfits are ridiculous. It's like an opera on ice. Great to watch, but definitely not one to participate in.

Michelle said...

not to mention the cold...brrr.

Salt said...

I used to figure skate. Then one time I did a jump and fell and hit my head. It wasn't bad or anything, but I was forever scared to skate after that. Now I pretty much suck at it although I can still skate backwards.

The man skaters make me want to do jazzhands.

I love the Olympics.

Golden Stilettos said...

This is great! Love your humor bc it's all true (naturally)

Unfortunately I haven't had the opportunity to watch much of the Olympics yet but I do plan to watch some of which, I as well, will never be able to do myself :)

JUST ME said...

I actually can't watch figure skating. I get too freaked out when people fall. Because I imagine it's MY head hitting the ice.

Why?
I'm weird.

Ams said...

hahaha I love this post..
It's funny because the commentators have totally been making fun of ALL the skaters outfits too!! Are they allowed to do that? I was dying laughing the other night.
I am totally not cut out to be a figure skater... basically for all the same reasons you listed above! lol
I WILL TAKE LOTS OF PICTURES FOR YOU WHILE I AM IN VANCOUVER!!!!

Bathwater said...

I think you exaggerate when you say you are not twirlable. I'll give you bonus points for wearing hockey skates out onto the ice though you over achiever, but I'm taking one point away for not being able to skate backwards. Not even a little?

When my kids were young there were two things they had to learn. How to swim and how to skate, they were on their own for everything else.

Brittany said...

I completely agree with you on everything you pointed out, especially allowing your partner to swing you around by your ankles. One little mishap and you're flying across the ice possibly facing death. No thank you :-)

bananas. said...

Ha! You just said everything i said last night while watching the olympics. Those dudes in their tight body suits are just wrong.

d.a.r. said...

And, brrrr!!! Can you imagine all of the times they must fall during practice on that hard cold ice? NO WAY!

Annie said...

your posts always crack me up! HAHA!!
i would NEVER be figure skater either! NO WAY! ;)

Karls said...

I've watched approximately zero Olympics... why? Well, we live in a country of outdoor sports - mainly swimmers. Our claim to fame is that dude who won a gold because the rest of the people in his race fell over.

Men in leotards... pulling those moves... un.attract.ive!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

I knew I loved you with good reason. You wear hockey skates.

And every time we watch the couples skating, SurferHubs always says, "Think his father is proud of him?" Every time. Like clockwork.

Cee said...

I used to want to be a pairs skater...then I realized I would never be that small and the throws would scare the shit out of me. Plus I am not even that good at ice skating. I then decided I would be an ice dancer. This was all in the period of time when the winter olympics were on and I was about 8. I think I really just liked the idea of falling in love with my skating partner. I didn't realize at that age he would probably be gay.

Classy in Philadelphia said...

Hahahha, too funny. All of these are so true.

Candice said...

Agreed!

ScoMan said...

First of all.. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have anyone volunteering to be your partner after this post, so add that to another reason you couldn't participate.

I couldn't do it because the competition is rigged. From what I hear about what our commentators were saying, Australia was robbed in the figure skating.. and.. pretty much every other event. We deserve to win them but the judges just don't let us.

Shandal said...

I've never ice skated before. Therefore you will never see me doing that crazy shit!

Cecilia said...

male figure skaters just make me happy. <3

but i figure skate and play hockey. oh yeah.