Monday, February 1, 2010

swimsuits i will never wear


should probably be talking about the grammy's last night, but with swimsuit season fast approaching (well, hopefully fast approaching in houston, at least.  it is 38 degrees here this morning and 57 degrees in my effing office), i decided i needed to scratch some suits off the list immediately.  i'm sure my faithful male readers are going to love this post and won't be able to get past the photos of the half-naked women long enough to actually read my comments and get my point.  ladies, however, i know you'll understand and appreciate what i'm saying. 

{i'm not really a fan of clothes that look like they were dragged through a garbage disposal before i purchase them.  well, expect jeans.  i'm okay with holey jeans.  plus, whether you have small melons or large melons, i'm pretty certain your puppies' little noses would peek out in the get-up.}


{anytime an article of clothing looks like an animal was brutally massacred in the making isn't something i particularly want to wear.  in this case, it looks like some endangered species of a new zealand bird has it's wings chopped off for this top.}


{i have to admit, i actually kind of like this swimsuit.  in fact i like it a lot, i just don't think i'd ever wear it as a swimsuit.  can you imagine trying to actually swim in that??  i'm pretty sure you'd drown with your arms attached to your body like that.  i'd totally wear this a a unitard top thing with shorts or a skirt, though.}


{umm, can you say "worst tan lines EVER"?!  and if this model's derrier is not fitting in these bottoms, i'm pretty sure my arse won't be fitting either.}


{the point of wear a swimsuit is not so i can look like i was wrapped with nude color ace bandages.}


{i don't care how old i am, i will NEVER EVER wear this.  in fact, i ask you to kill me if i am seen in it.  the hat?  maybe.}


{these beads go only in a 1960s door entry way.}

{she may be going to a texas rodeo, so for this, i will not judge her.}

46 comments:

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

omg. the beaded one. what is that crap?????

carrie1 said...

ha ha ha ... I love the last one! Who would ever were fringe on their hiney?!?

SG said...

This just proves the point that it can't really be that hard to be a fashion designer. I can take an effin Ace Bandage and wrap it around myself.

saltsays said...

The third one down is cool, but it reminds me of those potholders that I used to make in summer camp as a kid. Shoot if I can remember how to make those maybe I can fashion myself a swimsuit!

Meredith Travels said...

bah ha ha. the last 2 kill me. I think maybe this summer I should throw a tacky swimsuit party... now if I just had a pool.

and WTF, 57 in your office? So not right!

Lisa said...

Oh my gosh. These swimsuits are ridiculous! Totally agre with you on all points - especially the "mom suit"!

First time stopping by, but I'm sure it won't be my last! Have a great day!

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

WOW! Clearly none of these women go to the beach to relax and tan because those would make some wicked tan lines and not in a good way!!! YIKES! I love the last one - and yes I want to see the woman wearing that slutting it up at a rodeo!

Classy in Philadelphia said...

Hahahaha, this cracked me up. So true about all of these especially the 'mom' bathing suit with the hat.

Candice said...

Uh yeah, where's my hefty bag?

Marian said...

Wait a minute...is that first model Naomi Campbell...because if so, she looks jacked!!! I mean, she looks real good, I just didn't know that models actually looked like athletes.

And that colorful one and black one looks like bondage gone wrong or something.

Stephanie Hartman said...

Ummm..I HATE the bandage looking swimsuit I mean if you wanted a swim suit like that why don't you just take an Ace bandage and wrap yourself in it...

Great post!Hope you have a great day!

Stephanie

Bathwater said...

I can totally read your comments and look at the pictures, give me some credit. I can even add a few of my own.

1)I don't even see where you would carry a puppy so why would you worry about his nose?

2)Not to mention the bottoms look like a lion cloth diaper.

3)It figures you'd almost like this one it would cover up those beautiful arms of yours!

4 and 5) Just plan stupid.

6) Wait till you are pregnant and then we will see what you are force to wear ;).

7)I can not believe that you did not see the advantages of using those beads as a portable abacus to keep track of your purchases while on the beach.

8)That just looks silly, maybe on a real girl it would improve its appearance.

Which brings us to the important question--What will we be seeing Meredith in this season?

Ams said...

Where did you find these?!?!?!?! OMG
I am dying!!!!! No matter HOW old i am I will not not not ever wear the little skirt thingy... ever. I promise. And if I do... shoot me!!
Happy Monday lovely lady :)

JUST ME said...

I refuse to wear a white bathing suit. Just like I refuse to wear white paints.

EMBARRASSING STAINS. That's all I have to say.

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

I am totally going to rip my cockatu's head off and tape it to my bathing suit. Thanks for the idea.

Brown Girl said...

Oh some of those are horrendous and the old lady one piece, I'd be happy to kill if that day ever comes.

MCW said...

The 1st model looks like a man. Seriously.

bananas. said...

Oh sheeeezz...the skirt suit is effin heinous...NEVER NEVER!!!

I am kinda diggin the bondage ones...if i had a nice body that is.

Elizabeth Marie said...

I don't get the beads. I'm baffled.

Aunt Juicebox said...

I think that the one with the beads would actually be wearable - IF you remove the beads. The colors are actually nice and without the beads it's just a kind of cute bikini. Not that I'd EVER wear a bikini though.

jessalyn said...

thanks for reminding my fat @ss that bathing suit season is quickly approaching.
going to cry in the corner for a while <3

Erin said...

I am thinking of hibernating this summer. Or just boycotting bathingsuits of all kinds. I will just wear a t-shirt and shorts to the pool. Ugh!

foxy said...

Those are all very odd. I have to say that the beads are a little intriguing. Not in a 'i need them' sort of way, but intriguing nonetheless.

Beckles said...

victoria's secret gave me their catalog. i was like "the eff?! who wears this besides rihanna and heidi klum?" i would wear that ish if i was heidi klum, though.

Tracie said...

I'm waiting for swimsuits from the 1920's to come back in style. You know? The knickers and bonnets? Smokin' hot.

Krista said...

So I just bought a bikini for our big trip. My stomach hasn't seen the light of day in about 25 years. You're young, you could pull these off, except maybe the "Mom" suit, that's just gross.

Cathy said...

So it's bondage this year huh?! I bet ace bandages are cheaper than that craptacular suit. I'm just gonna go buy a bunch of those and create my own suits.

Rasha said...

wowo most of them are SOOOO hideous!

sHp said...

Thank you for making me giggle; I SO needed the laugh :)

Taylor @ Jimmy Choos and a Baby Too said...

Oh my gosh this is hilarious Im cracking up! I always told my mom if she wore one of those old lady swimsuits Id have to kill her...she still sports a cute VS tankini that I pick out each year thank goodness!

Cee said...

ew ew ew ew ew! those are all so gross! My grandma who is 84 doesn't even wear old lady bathing suits that ugly!

Masala Chica said...

offerrings are looking pretty bleak :-(

ScoMan said...

I was looking at the third one and I was like "Hey, I'd wear that! It is so cool".. and then I read your comments and looked at it again and thought "Well it's not practical, but it looks awesome"

What's more important, practicality or looking awesome?

Patience said...

How do they move in that crap?

Mrs. Love Bug said...

ummm, can you imagine the tan lines?

Annie said...

these are all very, um er interesting ;)ha!

Kristin said...

The ace bandage look isn't sexy? Since when? Ah ha ha

Jenny DB said...

GREAT POST!! funny, and new follower :)

Strawberryblush said...

Thanks goodness this is not what we will find hanging in stores this season. I like swimsuits that make a statement but YIKES!

Iva said...

BAH!!! ummm yeah those would leave awkward tan lines ;)

mrs_muffins said...

They are all pretty bad but I definitely think the worst is the ace bandage one. I mean... I bet that thing cost a lot of money but if you really (not that anyone would or should, for that matter) wanted that look, you could just use an actual ace bandage!
:)
xx

Mademoiselle Frou-Frou said...

that first picture with Naomi Campbell...even SHE doesn't look good in that one!!
i prefer a normal bikini.
xoxo alison

Shandal said...

I like the colors in the one that you like!

MizzJ said...

Hmm the pinky one isn't bad, but yeah... horrible horrible tan lines.

Oliviology said...

I'm just so confused as to why someone bothered to make swimsuits that you CAN'T ACTUALLY wear swimming...

Adie said...

wow .... crazy stuff right there. I don't get the minds of some fashion designers.