swimsuits i will never wear

i should probably be talking about the grammy's last night, but with swimsuit season fast approaching (well, hopefully fast approaching in houston, at least.  it is 38 degrees here this morning and 57 degrees in my effing office), i decided i needed to scratch some suits off the list immediately.  i'm sure my faithful male readers are going to love this post and won't be able to get past the photos of the half-naked women long enough to actually read my comments and get my point.  ladies, however, i know you'll understand and appreciate what i'm saying. 

{i'm not really a fan of clothes that look like they were dragged through a garbage disposal before i purchase them.  well, expect jeans.  i'm okay with holey jeans.  plus, whether you have small melons or large melons, i'm pretty certain your puppies' little noses would peek out in the get-up.}

{anytime an article of clothing looks like an animal was brutally massacred in the making isn't something i particularly want to wear.  in this case, it looks like some endangered species of a new zealand bird has it's wings chopped off for this top.}

{i have to admit, i actually kind of like this swimsuit.  in fact i like it a lot, i just don't think i'd ever wear it as a swimsuit.  can you imagine trying to actually swim in that??  i'm pretty sure you'd drown with your arms attached to your body like that.  i'd totally wear this a a unitard top thing with shorts or a skirt, though.}

{umm, can you say "worst tan lines EVER"?!  and if this model's derrier is not fitting in these bottoms, i'm pretty sure my arse won't be fitting either.}

{the point of wear a swimsuit is not so i can look like i was wrapped with nude color ace bandages.}

{i don't care how old i am, i will NEVER EVER wear this.  in fact, i ask you to kill me if i am seen in it.  the hat?  maybe.}

{these beads go only in a 1960s door entry way.}

{she may be going to a texas rodeo, so for this, i will not judge her.}