changing - fearing not: out of egypt - into the promised land

i need to share my heart today.  it's raw, it's real, and it's unedited.

i wrote this note on facebook back in march 2007... now three years and three months later, i found myself writing out the same thoughts in my journal last night.  they are seem to be so applicable and true to where i am at in life right now.  funny how life is often cyclical like that.

change: 1. to make the form, nature, content, future course of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; 2. to transform or convert

initially, i found 38 working definitions of the word change. i assume, though, that the first two are most applicable here, particularly the second.

many cringe at the word change, fearing it simply because, in most cases, we don't always know what that change might bring... we don't always want to deal with the repercussions and circumstances that will follow... we don't know if we're equipped to handle the new life that change will inevitably bring. or in some cases, we've grown comfortable in our lives and fear that change will severely jolt that sense of contentment and comfortable-ness.

while i don't necessarily shudder at the thought of change, i don't always embrace it with open arms simply because i'm not always ready for it... particularly the change that God is calling me to right now... He has been wrestling with my heart calling me back to Him... calling all of me, not just the pieces i've been giving Him. He wants more than the half-hearted prayers and half-hearted devotion and praise that i've been giving.

He's calling me to a complete and total transformation and conversion of my heart and mind... and to be honest, it's scary. complete and total trust. jumping in with both feet. leaving egypt and crossing the jordan river to the promised land. God doesn't want me to go back to egypt; and quite honestly, neither do i.  but what is it about egypt i want?  is it the predictability?  is it the "comfort" of the "known" even if that reality wasn't good?  or is it just the fact that the promised land is much to difficult for my mind to grasp and therefore scares the living you-know-what out of me?!

egypt: it's comfortable; day in and day out, we know it will always be the same, and for some strange reason, we find a twisted sense of comfort in that. it's because we're scared and we're living in fear rather than being patient and waiting on the Lord and fully trusting that He has an amazing will for our lives. i say i trust God with my mouth, but if i fully trusted Him i wouldn't still be wandering in the wilderness relying on myself to get me the heck out of here. it's because we do not fully grasp that Christ's sacrificial love has truly set us free. free from sin, free from shame and doubt, free from slavery. 

my prayer is that God rids me of myself.  my selfish wants and desires - and replaces them with things that only HE desires to HIS purpose and kingdom.  it's a painful process; particularly when we're fighting it.  the phrase "letting go and letting God" seems so easy and simple.  but for me, it's quite possibly one of the hardest things for me to do.  i feel like a hypocrite saying with my lips, "Lord, i trust you," yet my actions and fleshly feelings are looking back to egypt.  i kind of feel like i'm sitting on the border of egypt and the promise land - one foot in each, waiting to take that first step.  and i will; i know i will.  

trust and complete obedience. i have grown fairly content with my half-hearted little life... i haven't been happy, but i haven't been sad either... i've just kind of existed doing nothing for the kingdom of God... doing nothing for my Lord who i profess to have given my life to... which now just seems to be that i have only been giving Him pieces of me. and i hate that. i hate it more than anything. God doesn't deserve my leftovers... He doesn't deserve the half-hearted worship i've been giving Him... so right now, He is calling me to change... calling me to a transformation of heart and soul and a committed spirit to Him. to no longer fear what i do not know or understand... to quit my sins of omission and dedicate my life to Him alone.

there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love. -1 john 4:18

i am neither fearless nor fearful. i am simply "fearing not" for He is my God.