Thursday, July 22, 2010

changing - fearing not: out of egypt - into the promised land

i need to share my heart today.  it's raw, it's real, and it's unedited.

i wrote this note on facebook back in march 2007... now three years and three months later, i found myself writing out the same thoughts in my journal last night.  they are seem to be so applicable and true to where i am at in life right now.  funny how life is often cyclical like that.

change: 1. to make the form, nature, content, future course of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone; 2. to transform or convert


initially, i found 38 working definitions of the word change. i assume, though, that the first two are most applicable here, particularly the second.

many cringe at the word change, fearing it simply because, in most cases, we don't always know what that change might bring... we don't always want to deal with the repercussions and circumstances that will follow... we don't know if we're equipped to handle the new life that change will inevitably bring. or in some cases, we've grown comfortable in our lives and fear that change will severely jolt that sense of contentment and comfortable-ness.

while i don't necessarily shudder at the thought of change, i don't always embrace it with open arms simply because i'm not always ready for it... particularly the change that God is calling me to right now... He has been wrestling with my heart calling me back to Him... calling all of me, not just the pieces i've been giving Him. He wants more than the half-hearted prayers and half-hearted devotion and praise that i've been giving.

He's calling me to a complete and total transformation and conversion of my heart and mind... and to be honest, it's scary. complete and total trust. jumping in with both feet. leaving egypt and crossing the jordan river to the promised land. God doesn't want me to go back to egypt; and quite honestly, neither do i.  but what is it about egypt i want?  is it the predictability?  is it the "comfort" of the "known" even if that reality wasn't good?  or is it just the fact that the promised land is much to difficult for my mind to grasp and therefore scares the living you-know-what out of me?!

egypt: it's comfortable; day in and day out, we know it will always be the same, and for some strange reason, we find a twisted sense of comfort in that. it's because we're scared and we're living in fear rather than being patient and waiting on the Lord and fully trusting that He has an amazing will for our lives. i say i trust God with my mouth, but if i fully trusted Him i wouldn't still be wandering in the wilderness relying on myself to get me the heck out of here. it's because we do not fully grasp that Christ's sacrificial love has truly set us free. free from sin, free from shame and doubt, free from slavery. 

my prayer is that God rids me of myself.  my selfish wants and desires - and replaces them with things that only HE desires to HIS purpose and kingdom.  it's a painful process; particularly when we're fighting it.  the phrase "letting go and letting God" seems so easy and simple.  but for me, it's quite possibly one of the hardest things for me to do.  i feel like a hypocrite saying with my lips, "Lord, i trust you," yet my actions and fleshly feelings are looking back to egypt.  i kind of feel like i'm sitting on the border of egypt and the promise land - one foot in each, waiting to take that first step.  and i will; i know i will.  

trust and complete obedience. i have grown fairly content with my half-hearted little life... i haven't been happy, but i haven't been sad either... i've just kind of existed doing nothing for the kingdom of God... doing nothing for my Lord who i profess to have given my life to... which now just seems to be that i have only been giving Him pieces of me. and i hate that. i hate it more than anything. God doesn't deserve my leftovers... He doesn't deserve the half-hearted worship i've been giving Him... so right now, He is calling me to change... calling me to a transformation of heart and soul and a committed spirit to Him. to no longer fear what i do not know or understand... to quit my sins of omission and dedicate my life to Him alone.

there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love. -1 john 4:18

i am neither fearless nor fearful. i am simply "fearing not" for He is my God.



Meredith

40 comments:

Crazy Shenanigans said...

Hang in there M, I'm sure He will give you all the answers you need. Change is a good thing.

♥Aubrey said...

Great post!!!
My favorite quote i'll leave you with is..."Be the change you want to see in the world."

Sole Matters said...

What a great post. Something that I definitely needed to be reminded of. Thank you.

Ed said...

Beautiful!

THE Stephanie said...

My thoughts exactly. No really, this is exactly what God is doing in my life right now as well.

I'll keep you in my prayers :)

Brown Girl said...

Such a though provoking post. Change is an inevitable part of life, embrace it and hopefully all will turn out how you want it to! ;)

Masala Chica said...

Great post meredith. You will find what you are looking for . . .

Patience said...

Great post! I say embrace the changes and everything that comes along with them. God has a bigger plan for you. I pray that you find everything you are looking for.

Rachel Lillian said...

A phrase that has been really comforting to me lately is "He has already gone before you". So often, I approach change or an obstacle as if I'm in it alone, although I know in my head that God is there, my actions show that I'm thinking/ flying solo. "This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life." Psalm 119:50 Great post, M!

brooke said...

i love coming across something that i've written or held on to that still holds so much relevance to my current life...what a great reminder this was!! thanks lady!!!

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

This is so beautiful girl. Well stated and spoken as well. If I got as much out of going to church as I did from this blog I'd go every week. Sadly I just haven't found the right home for my soul yet (in a church that is).

This moved me so thank you! oxox

Sydney said...

Great thought for today! Hang in there!

J-Diggety said...

Hmm, yes. This echoes my own life. It's so hard, scary... even though we know that the promised land will be amazing! We are stubborn, stubborn creatures.
xoxo J

Rasha @ {andthisiswhatshesaid} said...

Change is a good thing... hang in there.

Rasha @ {andthisiswhatshesaid} said...

Change is a good thing... hang in there.

Meghan said...

Beautiful post. I am also seeking change in my life - a place (church), a community to worship and feel at home. I, too, feel that I've been giving God my "leftovers", as you put it, and I am looking to change that as well!

Tara said...

Mer, I'm so proud of you. The fact that you can honestly look at your life and commit to change is so honorable and commendable. I can't wait to see what the Promised Land has in store for you!

Shelley said...

I loved this post. Thank you for sharing with us. Change can be hard, but it often brings growth!

The Only Girl said...

I hope your changes bring you all the happiness you deserve.

jessalyn said...

this is beautiful, lovebug. you are amazing!

<3

Hutch said...

Just putting yourself out there like this is a huge step forward!

That last quote is one of my faves, although I often forget it...thanks for the reminder!

MiMi said...

Sheesh, girl! This is beautiful!! I think I'll print it off and keep it...it's definitely something I struggle with too.

MCW said...

I hope He brings you what you need...

Cathy said...

Wow. As someone who quit the Catholic church 15 years ago and doesn't really "get" religion/faith this is amazing to read. I am always in awe of people who so fully believe in God and his ways. I hope he sends you guidance and comfort and helps you with the changes in your life.

SurferWife said...

Well, that was incredible my Mer Bear.

I can't wait to see what these changes bring to your life.

Allyson said...

Sometimes it feels so good to let all those thoughts, feelings, and worries that are rolling around in your brain, keeping you up at night, out onto paper (or computer). If you are aware that He has plans and changes for you, then you are open to them..and that's a great step! I can't wait to see what unfolds. Your journey never ceases to amaze me.

Mon Cheri said...

change is sometimes the best thing that can happen

hope you find what you are searching for <3

MON CHERI!

Kristin said...

I have a feeling He will lead you in the direction you're looking for!

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Hoping change brings you happiness and balance in your life! Happy weekend to you! XO, J

Dylana Suarez said...

Just came across your blog! It is lovely!

colormenana.blogspot.com

*Maybe* Baby ♥ Mama said...

Our journey has begun!... secretly though =) 

If I’ve left you this message, you’re a follower of my original blog. Though I won’t be revealing who I am just yet – until we’re TO and THROUGH the first trimester! Just getting the word out about our new site – further explanation of all the secrecy and what we’re about on my first post now up. I’d love for you to stop by. 

Exciting things going on around here! 

http://www.definitelymaybebaby.com/

~ the {secret} *Maybe* Baby Mama

Julie (brown eyed belle) said...

Your man Apolo Ohno was on the Today Show this morning ;)

*Maybe* Baby ♥ Mama said...

Our journey has begun!... secretly though =) 

If I’ve left you this message, you’re probably a follower of my original blog or just someone I happened on and really wanted to invite along for the ride! Though I won’t be revealing who I am just yet – until we’re TO and THROUGH the first trimester! Just getting the word out about our new site – further explanation of all the secrecy and what we’re about on my first post now up. I’d love for you to stop by. 

Exciting things going on around here! 

http://www.definitelymaybebaby.com/

~ the {secret} *Maybe* Baby Mama

Brittany said...

I hope you find the answers you're looking for soon. Change isn't always a bad things. Sometimes, it can lead to greater things. Hang in there.

Christy said...

This is beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing =) Good luck with everything. The simple fact that you have realized your need to give yourself completely to Him, is His way of helping you. You'll pull through just fine.

Llama said...

This is simply gorgeous. You are a great writer. Good things always come to good people :)

ericandlora said...

Oh girl. Don't you know I remember those days and when you wrote that. : )

Praying for you and thinking about you.

xo,
L

ericandlora said...

Oh girl. Don't you know I remember those days and when you wrote that. : )

Praying for you and thinking about you.

xo,
L

Taylor @ The Undomestic Momma said...

great post!!!!

Amber said...

Such an inspired post. I couldn't agree with your words more. God has really been dealing with me lately regarding my controlling spirit and my inability to trust in His ability to provide for my needs. This was such an affirmation for me! Thanks for sharing so honestly.