in which i am a bad puppy mother and almost committed murder

i should probably be writing about the oscars last night, but i'm not going to.  why?  because i've got a much more pressing issue to discuss with you today: this weekend i almost committed murder.  with a spatula, to be exact.  now that i've got your attention, let me tell you how it all went down...

late morning on saturday, i got up, fed bailey, and put her bed and all of her toys next to her bowl so she could play after she's finished eating.  (for those of you who don't know, bailey is my  eight month old little fur nugget head.  there's a picture of her and her bat ears on my sidebar on the right.)  after making her breakfast (beneful healthy puppy growth, no doubt) i went and took a much needed bubble bath.  i got out, put on my robe, and got bailey to take her out to go potty. 

because most, if not all, of you have no clue where i live, i'll describe it: a condominium/townhouse complex surrounded by lots of trees and nature (i.e. birds, squirrels, possums, raccoons, etc.) but not a lot of grass patches, just lots of leaves.  it's kind of irritating.  anyways, i have bailey on her leash, i'm in a robe, moccasins, and have a towel on my head and look like an indian sheik woman.  in order to do her serious biznass, bailey always has to go really far back into the trees and it drives me crazy because her leash only goes so far and i can only hike so far through the bramble.  and i can't let go of her leash or she runs like a convict escaping out of prison.  you're beginning to see my grave dilemma.

so there i was in my robe, moccasins, a classy towel on my head, and she's creeping through the forest-like terrain like she's freakin' rambo and goes by a tree and does her nasty stuff.  her leash gets caught on something, so i go to untangle it.  she moves in the other direction and drags the leash and MY EFFING HAND through the poop.  i throw up in my mouth, scream, and let go of the leash.  the little convict starts running like she freaking stole something looking back at me with sheer mischief in her eyes.  i'm pissed and have shit on my hand.  i scream at her to come.  she doesn't because she doesn't listen ever.  so i scream that i'm going to give her a big spanking when i get my hands on her (because clearly she understands me).

i run to my condo and furiously scrub my hands with bleach, then i run back outside to find the escapee. i spot batwoman in amongst the trees with a dead, decomposing squirrel hanging from her mouth.  i flip shit and start screaming at her.  and i mean i am SC.REAM.ING.  for reals.  like vein in my temples bulging, about to have a heart attack screaming.  

 {you see the resemblance?}

i know the absolute worst thing to do is chase her because she loves to be chased and thinks we're playing a game of tag.  plus she has some italian greyhound or whippet in her so she's shitballs fast.  BUT i cannot not chase her or else she'll stop long enough to chew on the dead, rotting, nasty ass squirrel.  so i do want any normal, sane puppy mother in a robe would do: i scream and i yell and i chase her all through the bushes and trees and sticks and unmanicured nature.  my legs still have the cuts and scratches to show for my efforts.  i look like a crazy woman.  i tried enticing her with treats, her favorite mr. mouse toy, mommy's favorite socks which also happen to be bailey's favorite... this whole scene goes on for nearly 40 minutes.  finally i tell her, i give up and she can eat the squirrel and contract HIV or STDs or rabies or tapeworm or whatever the hell it is you get from eating raw, decomposing rodent meat.  and i tell her when i get my hands on her i'm either going to kill her or give her away because she's being a bad little nugget head.  i leave my front door open.  a few minutes later batwoman - WITH THE DEAD EFFING SQUIRREL STILL HANGING FROM HER MOUTH - comes flying inside.  OMG.  the stench was overwhelming.  i'll spare you the details.

let's just say after many spankings with a spatula later and using a whole container of lysol disinfectant wipes and two cans of febreeze air effects spray, i can finally talk about this event, though i still don't find it funny.  at all.

p.s. bailey is still alive.  i haven't killed her or given her away.