Tuesday, October 27, 2009

the (un)domesticated goddess

alright, so remember how i was on this whole "i-need-to-learn-how-to-cook-in-order-to-one-day-raise-a-good-healthy-and-stable-family" kick?  and how i made this organic banana oat bread that actually didn't turn out half bad?

well, last night i decided i needed to take another stab at this whole cooking thing.  quasi-bf (who is still hungover and feeling crappy from his weekend of reliving the glory days with his high school football buddies - don't even ask how old he is now) texts me and asks what i want to do for dinner - should we go out to dinner or should he pick up food on the way over.  notice there were only two options, not a third of oh, maybe you should cook a delicious homecooked meal!  so because he doesn't give a third option, i call him:


 "hey, how about i just cook for us tonight?"

(pause) "really?"

"what do you mean 'really??'  YES, really.  i'm going to cook.  i have some chicken tenderloins marinating, some asparagus, butternut squash, and i can cook brown rice.  oh, and i still have that loaf of rosemary olive oil bread we got the other day.  AND i made your favorite kind of brownies last night."

"oh, okay... well, do you want me to pick up anything else for dinner from the store on my way over?"

"umm, no... what else would you get?  didn't my menu sound like a full meal??"

(nervous laugh)  "well, yeah, i mean, i was just making sure..."

he's obviously nervous, people.  whatever, i'll show him.  we hang up and i morph into betty crocker/rachel ray/martha stewart/emeril/(insert good cook here).  let me start by saying i have a really shitty knife set.  the set is old and the knives aren't sharp.  this never used to be a problem because i never used to cook, you see.  so i put the brown rice on the stove and the chicken goes in the oven because those two will take the longest.  (i still haven't gotten the whole timing thing down.  my food seems to all be done at different times and quite frankly, it's pissing me off, so i planned ahead and tried to do a better job of it this time.) 

next was the butternut squash.  now if you don't know what a butternut squash looks like, it's basically like a pumpkin, with a stem and everything.  here's a pic for you visual people out there.  there was a sticker on the side telling me i was supposed to cut this bad boy in half, dig out the seeds, and bake face down for 45 minutes.  easy enough, right??  WRONG.  i got the largest knife i had and started trying to cut into the thing.  after about 5 minutes of carefully sawing with the dull, crappy knife and starting to sweat, i realize i needed to try a different approach.  so i get smart and decide to stab it and try to cut my way down through the rest of it.  it wasn't budging, so i push harder until i stab myself in the hand.  and by stab, i really mean small puncture wound with lots of blood.  fortunately i have a butterfly strip to close up the wound and wrap my hand in guaze like a boxer.  you see, people, i'm dedicated and am not giving up, stab wound and all i press forward.  i pry the butternut squash apart, throw in face down, and put it in the oven.

the only thing that turned out good in this meal was the asparagus (because all i did was steam them), the rice (how hard is it to cook rice??), the bread (because i didn't make it), and the brownies (because i seriously AM betty crocker).  i burned the chicken so it was crispy and dry, and i just left the butternut squash in the oven to roast because i was still so damn mad.

needless to say, i am still not the domestic goddess i hoped to be by now.


1 comment:

mamagooch said...

Awww! I totally feel for you. It's the WORST to work so hard on a meal to have it turn out bad.