a true, in real life, scary story

i hope everyone had a happy easter or passover weekend (shoutout to my favorite jews).  i personally love easter.  it is the whole basis of my faith, so in terms of meaning, it's numero uno.  plus, i love the treats and presents the easter bunny brings me, the easter egg hunt where my family's eggs contain cool things like umm $50 bills, and the delicious food.  unfortunately, i'm not here to talk about my amazing easter weekend.  or  to show you awesome pics from yesterday's celebrations.  sads, i know.  what i have to share with you will scare you.  seriously, scare your panties off.

i have a very, very true scary story.  it's real.  it's not one of those "this is based on a true story" stories.  this really, in real life, happened to me last thursday night and it was traumatizing, to say the least.

so last thursday night i'm getting home late from dinner.  it was like 10 o'clock at night.  (like i said really late.) anyways, i'm pretty sure i've described where i live to you all, but just in case you forgot, i'll remind you - very woodsy, lots of trees, really dark at night, lots of nature which means tons of squirrels and birds and other animals...

okay, so let me set the scene: i'm still in my work clothes - a super cute skirt suit and a pair of 3-inch heels and i'm carrying my giant purse which is large enough to carry the amount of rice needed to feed the country of uganda for a month, three weeks worth of dry cleaning, some work files because i'm a workaholic, and my new iphone.  (IN LOVE, btw.)  so here i am minding my own biznass.  i'm walking down the narrow path leading to my condo which is lined with lots of nature-y bush plants that look like they're from the dinosaur period.  i'm sure these plants have a name, but i'm not a botanist and i'm pretty sure google wouldn't be any help when my best description of the plant is "alien dinosaur plant."  sorry, i digress.

like i said, i was minding my own biznass, when i turn the corner and run right into.... 

CHARLIE (!!!@%#(&*^#&*%^!!!!!!!!!!!)

 

{i am going to kill you!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

holy shiz, right?!  i freaked and screamed and ran.  really, really fast back to my car.  i swear i heard him say, "i know where you sleep and i'm going to kill you" as i ran.  i can't be certain though, my heart was pounding and obscured my hearing.  i sat in my car for the next 30 minutes hyperventilating debating on whether or not i would just camp out in my car until morning.  

this wasn't the first time i had ever seen charlie.  but, you see, normally charlie looks like this:

he is about the size of a small bear cub (he's a big ass possum), and he is generally amicable and polite not rabid and effing crazy.  bailey was spending the night at her mimi's on thursday night, so she wasn't there to save my life.  i have since told baily about it and i expect there to be a showdown between my little bat-eared nugget and mr. charlie.  i'm contacting UFC to see if they want to air the fight on pay-per-view.  we'll see.

you watch your back charlie, you little furry jerk.