Wednesday, April 14, 2010

why i'm so glad i woke up alive this morning and didn't die in my sleep.

i know the post title sounds serious and that's because it kind of is.  not really.  so last night, i'm sitting at my kitchen table attempting to put a second permanent invisishield cover on my iphone.  (the night before quasi had put the first invisishield screen on UPSIDE-FREAKING-DOWN leaving my phone a sticky mess.  long story.  i thought my life was over yesterday and my phone was going to be ruined forever.)  oh, and i was baking more of those easter bunny sugar cookies.  i started with ten boxes and i'm down to two.  don't judge.   for those of you who are familiar with those invisishield things, you have to be really precise about it.  plus, they're $30 and this was the second one since the first got all effed up, so i was a little bitter about spending $60 for a damn protective shield.  well, technically i didn't buy them, but it was still money that could have been spent on other things.

anyways, so like i said i'm sitting at my kitchen table trying to have the concentration of a surgeon conducting a dangerous, evasive brain surgery.  one wrong move, and the person iphone is dead.  while i'm totally absorbed with the task at hand, my little nugget has dragged out her toy basket and is throwing her toys all around the apartment.

she's kicking bones with her paws, watches them slide across the wood floor, then chases after them sliding into walls and making a shitload of noise.  i'm trying to get her to stop and be still for a little bit because she's totally ruining my focus style.  naturally, she doesn't listen because she doesn't care.  she's like a teenager, but at least i can lock her in her crate.  last i checked with CPS, you're not allowed to do that with kids.  supposedly.  we'll see.  

so i put the screen on the phone, finally, and admire my hard work.  i then turn to see my little nugget head laying sideways on the floor trying to stretch out and reach a rawhide that has slid under the couch.  (this is a nightly thing.  drives me insane.)  so she's making this awful scraping noise with her claws on the metal bar under the couch.  it's like nails on a chalkboard but worse.  finally, i finish my iphone surgery and get up to get the bone so she'll stop.  

when i bend down to get it, she jumps on my back and bites my ponytail.  (she's obsessed with ears, ponytails, and buns.  it's really weird.)  i jolt up very quickly and as i do i knock the back of my head on my coffee table and fall back to the ground.  i try to stand up, but when i do i fall back down and i'm seeing all these black spots.  

i touch the back of my head and see a tiny bit of red.  no, i'm not bleeding profusely or anything, but enough to say, shit, i'm bleeding, i coud be dying.  what if this is brain fluid?  omg, i don't even have a will.

my head is pounding and i fear my brain is hemorrhaging.  i lay on the couch for a few minutes thinking, i can't even call 911 because that damn invisishield on my phone is still drying!  maybe if i scream loud enough my neighbors will hear me.  but what if screaming makes my brain bleed more?  these are the thoughts going through my wounded and bruised brain.  eventually i get up still feeling wobbly and text my mom.  very carefully, of course because my phone is still drying.

me: mom, i think i'm dying.

mom: no, you're not.

me: yes.  i have a concussion.

mom: how?

me: bailey's bone went under the couch, when i went to get it, i slammed the back of my head into the corner of my coffee table.  i saw stars.  and not the famous kind.  and blood, too.

mom: you probably do have a concussion.  have you thrown up?

me: no, but i have cookies baking in the oven.  shit!  i have cookies in the oven!  they might be burning while my head is bleeding!

mom: go eat your cookies and call me if you throw up.

me: but what if i'm so incapacitated i can't call?  and why are you always telling me to eat cookies.  you are such an enabler.  you want me to be fat.

mom: bailey will call.  and you could never be fat.

me: oh, no!  i can't go to sleep tonight!  what if i have an aneurism in my sleep and i wake up dead!

mom: you can't "wake up dead."

me: you know what i mean.  what if i don't wake up?!  i'll be like liam neeson's wife who hit her head in the terrible ski accident and then went into a coma and never came out of it!  what if that happens?!

mom: then i'll be sad.


thank you, mother for your undying love and support.  fortunately i did wake up alive this morning.

Meredith

54 comments:

Marian said...

I'm glad you didn't die in your sleep. Or throw up. Its looking like a good day after all

Stacy said...

Haha, Meredith, are you sure you're not Jewish? You certainly have the Jewish hypochondriac thing DOWN!I hit my head once and said the EXACT same stuff about Natasha Richardson. I always think I'm dying. Technically, we ARE! I mean, once you're born you do start dying. Right?

The Only Girl said...

Glad you're okay! I want your mom.

~KS said...

OMG... this story... I am laughing, but only because you lived through it. Sounds like something my mom would do.

THE Stephanie said...

Love that your mom said "you prob do have a concussion".

Thanks, mom. LOL

That one girl said...

Ha! I'm a little less afraid of concussions since on several occasions my son hit his head so hard it was instantly black and blue and not too long later went down for a nap.. OR I'm a bad mom. Probably both.

Annie said...

i'm so glad you are alive and well!!
and you got a funny story out of it! haha! ;)
have a great day hun!

hotpants™ said...

I didn't hit my head, but I did damn near break my foot last night. It's all swollen after hitting it on a table trying to climb over a baby gate. We don't put our baby in a crate, but we do section her off.

I'm glad you're alive. I would have been sad if you died.

Lace said...

haha, you poor thing! I'm glad you didn't wake up dead!

Kristen said...

glad you woke up! Your text convo was hysterical!

Salt said...

Concussions SUCK. I had one once when I fell off a cliff and hit my head on a rock (story for another day). I hope that you are feeling better today and I'm glad you are alive and not a zombie writing a blog right now.

So strange this fascination with ponytails and buns!

Vic said...

Oh (flash). You crack me up! I'm so glad you didn't wake up dead today :)

Patience said...

So glad you are okay. Funny story and one you can laugh about for a while. Now that you have woken up and such.

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

I am so sorry you hit your head - I hope you're feeling better but I have to say this made me laugh my ass off!!!

I wish our dog would learn to play on her own, she's always crying when her toy gets stuck under anything. She's too big to get under the couch but it's SO annoying!

I'm glad you woke up ok girlie!

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

"but i could wake up dead"

you can't wake up dead.

hahahahahahahaa

Cara Smith said...

Enough about your head...did you burn the cookies????

JK...glad you're ok and that your mom is level headed.

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

ps - you need bacon bandages. they heal cuts quicker than lightning.

Claire Kiefer said...

Awwww, I totally sympathize! I'm an anxiety freak and anytime something like that happens I have the same sort of panic process . . . and aneurysms are the scariest things in the world. It's especially bad when you're alone! Sorry you were so scared, and glad you woke up okay!

Ashley said...

Glad you woke up. And that your posts make me laugh out loud. Thanks for that!

SaraPlaysHouse.com said...

I hope that I'm as cool as your mom when my girls are grown.
(I'm really glad you didn't wake up dead today.)

A Real Housewife said...

so glad you lived to tell the tale! too funny.

J-Diggety said...

I'm glad you didn't die in your sleep... or toss your cookies - ha, literally! ;)
Hope you're feeling better!
xoxo J

RedDreads said...

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

by the way, what is the invisishield? I have a clear cover on my iPhone but I need to replace it and mine isn't sticky or needs to dry so I am quite confused...

Rasha said...

ugh hate dreams like that lol

Short Southern Momma said...

oh girl...at least you have a sense of humor about it. You and your momma sound like me and my mom! Glad your still with us today. xoxo

Hutch said...

I'm so glad you survived the night, you're definitely in the clear! Sounds like a convo I had with my mom last week when the left side of my throat hurt to touch (usually throats are supposed to hurt with a cold on the inside not the outside) so obviously I had a tumor and was dying. My mom, being the nurse she is, calmly told my lymph-node was just swollen. Whatevs

foxy said...

My mom has totally done that to me before too... like you're all totally being a drama queen or something, BUT WHAT IF I WAKE UP DEAD?? My mom didn't even call me after that guy flew his plane into the IRS building in town. I finally had to call her and say JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M STILL ALIVE. She figured she'd "feel it" if I were hurt. Gah.

Brittany said...

You're a great story teller :-) I'm glad you didn't wake up dead or throw up. And that you're still in one piece. Blame it on Bailey though because technically, this is all her fault. Silly pup. Hope you're having a good day!

Gabby said...

Hahaha your mom's reactions are priceless. Go eat your cookies! Love it. :)

jessalyn said...

ohmygod i am so glad you are ok.
what would have become of the trifecta....?
and even more glad you didn't throw up the cookies because that would have been a complete waste of cookies.

i must say, i am surprised someone hasn't called you insensitive towards people with concussions yet though.

xoxo

Cee said...

Sounds exactly like a conversation with my mom.

Rachel Lillian said...

Perhaps we ARE twinsies! Why? Well, I had a similar incident last night when every way that I laid my head down on my pillow, I had a splitting pain IN MY BRAIN! For realsies. Different than a regular headache. I, too, wondered if I would "wake up dead". Mom said I was ridiculous. If you need a friend to indulge your deathly worries, just give me a ring. I understand! Ha

MiMi said...

Can i just say that I LOVE the fact that you and your mom had the whole mother/daughter guilt relationship thing going on in a life or death situation?! LOL

Design A-Peele said...

wow. this post was a great end to my work day. glad you're ok!!

Elizabeth Marie said...

"you can't wake up dead" amazing hahaha

Glad you're ok lovermuffin

Mad Woman said...

Wow I sure am glad you didn't wake up dead. That would royally suck. Mostly for me, because then I'd have to go find someone else's blog to read and that's just time I don't have. So, if you could do me the favour of not dying, I'd appreciate it. :)

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Ditto what Jess said. Especially the you being insensitive to concussion people. And coma people. And people who bump there heads. And people who eat box after box of cookies. And people who wake up dead.

The insensitivity is overwhelming, Poo Bear. Wait. What's your Bear nickname? Moody Bear? Papa Bear?

Maybe you can wear a helmet to keep my worrying about you to a minimum. And please ride the short bus, too.

Ashley said...

omg i died laughing when i read this. "is that brain fluid?!" bahahaha!

Cathy said...

I love the thoughts that you had after you discovered your head was bleeding...I would have so thought the same things!

And you mom is great! "i think i'm dying" "no, you're not." Brilliant!

Tara said...

you've got brain damage for sure, moody padoody!

sHp said...

First, I am SO glad you are alive! Second, you really made me giggle - you have such a creative way with words. Can you please just write a book?! Thanks ;)

Have a great night!
sHp

Crazy Shenanigans said...

Glad you're alive and well! I love that you called your mom an enabler though lol

xoxoKrysten said...

I seriously laughed out loud reading the convo between you and your mom.

Glad you didn't wake up dead ;-)

Bathwater said...

I think your mom has had years of practice with you crying wolf and knows the difference is all.

Smart woman, hope you marry a man with equal smarts.

JUST ME said...

Anytime I hit my head, I'm positive I have a concussion and will fall into a coma.

I think I've watched too many SVU episodes...

ScoMan said...

I bet your mum is glad you woke up alive too.

Imagine how bad she'd feel if you didn't.

And imagine how bad Bailey would feel for dropping the toy under the couch.

And how bad quasi would feel for making you redo the iPhone protector.

All these factors contributed to your near death experience. You can at least feel good now knowing it will take at least four factors to line up to make you die, because three didn't do it.

I'd feel bad if you died too. Who would take me back on Tuesdays?

Aunt Juicebox said...

I used to have this fridge that was the exact wrong height to that if I wasn't paying attention and had my head stuck in the fridge, when I came out I would hit the top of my head on the corner of the freezer door. Which was BAD because the edges of the doors are square and somewhat pointy compared to a skull. I probably have brain damage from hitting it so often. Twice I hit it so hard I almost blacked out, which is like something out of the movies. I never used to think you could knock someone out by hitting them over the head with a stick.

Glad you are ok though, head injuries can really be scary.

Candice said...

You are a nut!

A hilarious nut.

BTW, I made the dude at the AT&T store put my shield thing on. Do that next time, cause you know there will be a next time. ;)

Erin said...

I'm laughing at Stacy's comment---are you sure you're not Jewish? ROFLMAO!!!

This made me laugh, which I desperately needed to do. Thank you. I'm relieved it was nothing too serious.

Oh, and my dog does that stuff all the time. Drives me INSANE!

Lady of The Manor said...

he he he... This is reminiscent of so many conversations l have with my Mum. She is of the school of belief that 'if you can stand up you are well enough to go to school/work'. And, 'just take a paracetamol and go to sleep'. She is usually right.


Glad to hear you did not wake up dead. that would be freaky

Lady M

Mrs. Lovely said...

Well first, I hope your head feels better!

Second, that sounds like something my mom would say too. I once sprained my ankle so bad I couldn't put *any* weight on it at all, but she wouldn't take me to the hospital because I had a doctors appointment the next day and told me to hop to the car because we had errands to run, LOL.

Kristin said...

Whew! That was a close one. So glad you're still with us. Ah ha ha

T!nK said...

awww. this would probly be the same convo I have with my mother!!

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Those shields are hard as F to put on the phone, you're right, like super brain surgery. But that is not the point here, is it? So happy you did not "wake up dead." And hope your cookies turned out well, too.