Monday, April 5, 2010

a true, in real life, scary story

i hope everyone had a happy easter or passover weekend (shoutout to my favorite jews).  i personally love easter.  it is the whole basis of my faith, so in terms of meaning, it's numero uno.  plus, i love the treats and presents the easter bunny brings me, the easter egg hunt where my family's eggs contain cool things like umm $50 bills, and the delicious food.  unfortunately, i'm not here to talk about my amazing easter weekend.  or  to show you awesome pics from yesterday's celebrations.  sads, i know.  what i have to share with you will scare you.  seriously, scare your panties off.

i have a very, very true scary story.  it's real.  it's not one of those "this is based on a true story" stories.  this really, in real life, happened to me last thursday night and it was traumatizing, to say the least.

so last thursday night i'm getting home late from dinner.  it was like 10 o'clock at night.  (like i said really late.) anyways, i'm pretty sure i've described where i live to you all, but just in case you forgot, i'll remind you - very woodsy, lots of trees, really dark at night, lots of nature which means tons of squirrels and birds and other animals...

okay, so let me set the scene: i'm still in my work clothes - a super cute skirt suit and a pair of 3-inch heels and i'm carrying my giant purse which is large enough to carry the amount of rice needed to feed the country of uganda for a month, three weeks worth of dry cleaning, some work files because i'm a workaholic, and my new iphone.  (IN LOVE, btw.)  so here i am minding my own biznass.  i'm walking down the narrow path leading to my condo which is lined with lots of nature-y bush plants that look like they're from the dinosaur period.  i'm sure these plants have a name, but i'm not a botanist and i'm pretty sure google wouldn't be any help when my best description of the plant is "alien dinosaur plant."  sorry, i digress.

like i said, i was minding my own biznass, when i turn the corner and run right into.... 

CHARLIE (!!!@%#(&*^#&*%^!!!!!!!!!!!)
 
{i am going to kill you!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

holy shiz, right?!  i freaked and screamed and ran.  really, really fast back to my car.  i swear i heard him say, "i know where you sleep and i'm going to kill you" as i ran.  i can't be certain though, my heart was pounding and obscured my hearing.  i sat in my car for the next 30 minutes hyperventilating debating on whether or not i would just camp out in my car until morning.  

this wasn't the first time i had ever seen charlie.  but, you see, normally charlie looks like this:


he is about the size of a small bear cub (he's a big ass possum), and he is generally amicable and polite not rabid and effing crazy.  bailey was spending the night at her mimi's on thursday night, so she wasn't there to save my life.  i have since told baily about it and i expect there to be a showdown between my little bat-eared nugget and mr. charlie.  i'm contacting UFC to see if they want to air the fight on pay-per-view.  we'll see.

you watch your back charlie, you little furry jerk.

44 comments:

Claire Kiefer said...

Hilarious and terrifying! And how rare to see a possum alive and not dead in the road (where they are much less threatening). :) Maybe you should get an industrial flashlight! haha

bananas. said...

BWAHHHH!!!

dude. charlie is fucking scary!!!!

Amoree said...

I would have cried!!!

Julie (brown eyed belle) said...

BWAHAHA!! I would have ran like hell too!! I came face-to-face with a raccoon once and lost my mind! Charlie is a bully and needs a punch in the neck if you ask me!

Vic said...

Scaaaaaaaary!

2 raccoons were hanging out by my work entrance the other day. I took it as a sign to turn around and go home.

MCW said...

I would have freaked!!!

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

I would have crapped my pants!!! These creatures can be sweet one minute and crazy the next!!! You poor thing. Send him to my house... we all know what happens to these fellas when they get under my house ;) and :(

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

Oh my god! I jumped and laughed. I am glad you survived. For real, those possums can be CRAZY. We had one that used to peruse our trashcans and I refused to enter the backyard for months.

Shandal said...

What scary looking little shit. So did you stay in your car or what? lol

Stacy said...

Thanks for the Jew shoutout! But I seriously thought you were going to talk about someone popping out of the bushes and trying to kidnap you! Not a possum! Though they are creatures from HELL!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Holy Schnikes! That is the scariest story ever. Right up their with my raccoon debaucle.

So, what did you do? How long did you sit in your car? How fast did you run to your condo? More details girl!

Great, now I am going to worry about you every single night.

Sole Matters said...

DUDE! I totes had a run-in with one of them a few months back. check it out: http://itswhatsinthesoul.blogspot.com/2009/12/playing-opossum.html

*LLUVIA* said...

LOL!!!

Charlie looked scary!!!

brooke said...

DUDE!!!! i would be non to happy to come home to that rocky horror real life show!!

bleck!!! SCARY LADY!!!

SG said...

I would have shit my pants. I'm not a fan of critters.

Jenny DB said...

aaah you probably scared poor charlie, he wasn't prepared for the showdown! ;-) i liked the mental pic tho you looking all cute and workaholic like.. carrying drycleaning.. anywhoodles, i think i am in the minority of people who actually thinks possums are cute!! especially daytime charlie.. chunky lil fellow! :-)

Salt said...

I just screamed and threw my mouse on the floor. I dare say that Charlie is normally kind of cute-ish and looks a little like I might want to cuddle him, but that first picture ruined any chance that he might have had of getting a hug from me. He better watch himself.

Alycia (Crowley Party) said...

The house I grew up in was right along a canyon... I have WAY to many possem story's... eek. I feel your pain.

Brown Girl said...

I would have had a heartache, like no joke. I am scared to death of rodents and all other ugly animals.

Cee said...

I think I would have: 1) peed my pants then 2) slept in the car

Cee said...

I think I would have: 1) peed my pants then 2) slept in the car

MiMi said...

Okay. Deep breaths.
I know. It's not funny.
But it IS.
But not really.
I hope Bailey takes her behind the woodshed (surely, in the boonies, there is a woodshed?!) and tans Charlie's hide. And by tanning his hide I mean murders his face.

JUST ME said...

That guy looks like he has PMS every day.

Nikosmommy said...

That kind of rabid wildlife near your home just ain't right!!!. You need to get an exterminator all up Charlie's ass, he's in need of a good wildlife relocation program ASAP.

Cathy said...

ok, WHAT!?? Why is this guy hanging out by your condo? I would have screamed and dropped all that stuff I was carrying and slept in my car. Scary.

Tara said...

i seriously almost peed my pants in fear when i saw that first picture up there! eek. i'm glad you made it out alive!

Kiera said...

those little effers litter my backyard. so sorry for your troubles.

Bathwater said...

I'd have to put my money on the possum to win. And you got to get home earlier. No wonder you only have pseudo boyfriend.

OG said...

arent' they supposed to be more scared of you than you are of them?

MiMi said...

You re-did your look!!! :) Me like.

hotpants™ said...

Somebody got a makeover!

LOVE IT!

Ams said...

Ewwwwwwwww....I would be FREAKING OUT!!! Gross gross gross! I am glad that you are alive and well... please let us know how the Charlie vs Baily showdown goes... Frankly I am a little bit worried ;)

Sole Matters said...

Love the new makeover!

Cathy said...

The makeover is hot! Love it!!!

Jennifer said...

I gave you an award on Friday!! (I'm a little late announcing it!)
Hope you had a great weekend!

Rasha said...

CREEPY!! p.s. I am loving the new background!

Mad Woman said...

I'd pay to see that fight!

LOVE the new look by the way!

ScoMan said...

I looked up alien dinosaur plant on Bing and it came up with some sorts of toys. Are the plants toys by any chance?

One of the girls at work had a similar event last week. But not with a big ass possum. She was swooped by magpies and they chased her back into her car.

Can I referee the Bailey vs Charlie match?

Just an FYI I am open to bribery.

Cara Smith said...

I think I might have peed my pants!

Brittany said...

Lol oh my goodness! That's too funny. I'm glad you're ok though!!

Love the new blog look too :-)

Crazy Shenanigans said...

Ewwww! Those things freak me out hardcore! I probably would have screamed and ran away as well.

d.a.r. said...

OMFG that thing is scary as hell!!

SupahMommy said...

lmaooooooooooooooo


pay per view

freaking hilarious
xoxox

HeatherLynn said...

oh, and i forgot to mention, that i was so freaked out when I saw what gauge had in his mouth.....and upon the sight of the babies flying out everywhere....that i literally ran right out of my shoes! yep, i ran so fast, my shoes were left right where i stood....you know you're scared when you run so fast your shoes can keep up with you! ;)

xoxo
~hl~