Monday, May 17, 2010

an open letter to the elementary school crossing guard who is out to get me EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING.

dear miss/ms./mrs. (though i'm 99.9999% sure you are a "miss") elementary school crossing guard who is out to get me EVERY SINGLE MORNING:
 
here's the deal.  i'm going to cut to the chase.  you are out to get me and i know it AND i don't like it.  

EVERY SINGLE MORNING i drive into my parents' neighborhood to drop my fur baby off at her mimi's.  i know you know this because you see me drive into the neighborhood EVERY SINGLE MORNING with a bat-eared fur nugget hanging out of my back window; and then you see me exit the neighborhood sans bat-eared nugget.  

once you see my car coming you immediately stop traffic.  and by "traffic," i really just mean you stand right in front of MY car shaking the stop sign and a flash light at me.  (not to change the subject, but can i ask what's the deal with the flashlight??  it is daylight outside, you know.)  you proceed to mean mug me for the next 20-30 seconds.  i look around and, what do you know!?  there are NO children waiting to cross the street.  so why do you insist on making me stop and wait for 5 minutes??  the only explanation i can come up with is that you are out to get me.  so we sit there staring at each other waiting for children to come and cross the street.


i realize holding up a fake stop sign and wearing a bright orange reflector vest is a big freaking deal.  i get that.  you take your job seriously.  i take my job seriously, too.  too bad my job doesn't involve a stop sign or a reflector vest.  i'll have to talk to my clients about that.  please don't think i'm trivializing your job, because i'm not.  i take children's safety very seriously, and i'm glad to see that you obviously do, too.

i promise i'm not going to run any kids over.  or their parents or their dogs who dart out in the middle of the street.  (please tell the parents to put "fido" on a dang leash, by the way.) 

anyways, point is, you are my entrance into the neighborhood and you are also my exit out of it, so can we please just be friends?  no?  okay, fine.  then at the very least for the love of Jesus, mary, joseph, and all the twelve disciples, can you puhh-lease stop weilding that stop sign out in front of my car like a damn sword.  you make me 10 minutes late to work nine out of ten mornings and i know you do it because you hate me.

i promise i will not run you over, but if this keeps up, we're going to have serious problems, woman.

love, reflector vests, and flashlights,
meredith.


Meredith

34 comments:

THE Stephanie said...

Ok, you lost me at "drop my fur baby off at her mimi's". LOL. Your mom is a saint!! :)

MiMi said...

Oh NO! I hate when people who have mediocre jobs that a monkey on crack could do take themselves so seriously! It makes you wonder what is wrong with them. Does she/he have something wrong with her? Like, for reals?

Cee said...

Maybe she is a dog hater? So she is taking it out on you since she knows you have a dog?

brooke said...

oh my goodness i would die...things like this get me so frustrated!!! i don't have time for this in the morning...well...at least for the remainder of this week! hahaha!!! i super love saying that!!!

maybe try winning her over with food...cupcake...doughnuts...coffee?!?! i little sweets love may do a crossing guard good...

Bathwater said...

You should not take out your inability to allow ten more minutes into your morning commute on that woman.

She probably saw you applying make-up, talking on the phone, faxing, and doing 3-G research on the web while driving and felt you needed to slow down. She is probably adding a year to your life, Little Miss Go Getter.

And her jog comes with a badge!

hotpants™ said...

I'm guessing she's not as pretty as you. Her jealousy apparently gets the best of her every day. I do have to wonder about the flashlight though. Maybe she's secretly obsessed with CSI.

Salt said...

She seems like she has an extremely overinflated sense of self-importance. Much like a mall cop.

Shelley said...

Wow...that's so uncalled for!! You should roll your window down and say, "Hey! There are no kids coming and I am in a hurry!"

Crazy Shenanigans said...

Hahaha! I hate when things like that happen and keep happening! Ugh! I do love that you used the phrase mean mug.

Southern Belle Mama said...

Vengeful crossing guard?!? Sounds like an abuse of her "power"! ;)

The Only Girl said...

What?!?! She stops you for no reason AND she carries flashlight? That's just weird.

Maybe you should try switching cars with someone for a week and see if she still stops you.

bananas. said...

That's not annoying. Riiiight!

Gawd knowing me and my insane road rage, i'd honk the horn at the thing until it, she, he moves out of my gad dang way!

Christin said...

Hahaha sorry for your frustration, but this post was hilarious!

jessalyn said...

maybe she is a lesbo and has a crush on you. you are a hot piece. maybe she just needs to stare at you for a few minutes every day...

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

times like these call for KICKS TO THE SHIN!

quasi? no?

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

That is SO not right!

Claire Kiefer said...

I'm proud of you for not having already jumped out of your car and giving her the straight business! UGH. I hope she finds better things to do than hold up your morning . . .

Mrs. Hesson said...

Haha ohhh no! That's uber annoying. Next time, HONK! :)

Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails said...

That's just Rude!
Persuade her to enter early retirement?

Tara said...

flash, stop harrassing the crossing guard. we all know you're just jealous because you don't get to wear a reflective vest at your job.

Karls said...

Sounds like the bitch is jealous of your super fine good looks... she has a moustache right?

Krista said...

Just make out with her because clearly she has a crush on you and wants to bathe in your beauty, hence making you stop and staring at you.

JUST ME said...

Orange vests make everyone feel a false sense of entitlement.

Add reflectors and it just gets worse.

Ed said...

You call them crossing guards.

I call them speed bumps.

April said...

Okay, so there are no kiddos remotely in the area waiting to cross, yet you still get stopped??? This little Italian girl would definitely have some words with the control freak. Ha ha!! Good for you for trying to stay so patient!! :o)

ScoMan said...

This town isn't big enough for crossing guards. We only have one traffic light.

But I have dealt with them in the past. In fact, in my home town there were crossing guards where there were also traffic lights. That just clicked as I was typing. Isn't that weird? Do kids need help crossing the road where there are already traffic lights to stop traffic?

Anyway, I loved the picture.

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

Hi, I'm a new follower from your Brunch at Saks girl. You are hilarious lady (btw I'm kinda the same way with projects for a while then there is a big mess in the living room because I pass out in the middle of a project). There aren't any crossing guards here but there is one a block away from my parents - yep they're power hungry people indeed.

Kristin said...

Perhaps someone has a little crush on you? Ah ha ha

Jenny DB said...

OH no!! it's the job monkeys... ya know the jobs monkeys could do that go out of their way to make you miserable so you can be 50% as miserable as them. this mostly includes parking lot attendants but could also include traffic directors for schools, obviously!! i include TSA in this bunch as well . just syaing.

LambAround said...

LOLOLOLOL! So it isn't just the crossing guard near my house! I swear he gives me a funky look every morning. I'm all for slowing down for kids, but there are NEVER any kids!

Ooh, and he sometimes waves his hand like he wants me to hurry up! What kind of crossing guard encourages people to speed in a school zone??

:)

~Lamb

LambAround

SurferWife said...

Jess, of course, said exactly what I was thinking while reading this.

Why else would she stop you to stare at you?

Kiera said...

this picture put me over the funny edge. i love it.

Meredith said...

This is the funniest post I've read all day!!! lololol! HILARIOUS! I was wondering about the flashlight, too :/
Maybe, there's a logical reason...Nah?! I didn't think so either haha!

-Meredith

sanjeet said...

Maybe she is a dog hater?
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