news you can use #20: it IS possible to have your eyelashes burned off by a flaming hot oven; VS models forced me to buy five swimsuits; and the unveiling of quasi

today's news you can use! is going to be a bit different.  you can thank my insane schedule for that one.  my day involves back to back to back to back meetings, so i'm actually posting this from my phone.  (whoever doubts my love for you should be feeling ashamed right about now!)  anyways, there are some important unimportant things i feel like you should know:

1. it IS possible to have your eyelashes burned off by sticking your head in a 450 degree oven.  i did it last night, and yes i am serious.  

so you know how i like to bake, right?  seeing as though i'm allergic to 90% of packaged goods, i experiment with various recipes to make something yummy and delicious and full of sugar.  well last night, i decided to make some "cinnamon-oatmeal-whole-grain-banana-muffins."  (they are delish, p.s.)  well, this being an experiment, i continually checked on them.  (i treat muffin making very seriously.)  

(here i am baking in my kitchen.)

apparently, i must have stuck my head or face too far in because this great rush of flaming hot heat seared my face, burning off half the length of my eyelashes.  i don't have a picture because i didn't take one.  i was too busy crying.  i three-way called my mom and quasi to determine if 911 would accept "burned eyelashes" as a legitimate emergency.  they both said "NO."  

suffice if to say, my left eyelashes are now shorter than my right eyelashes by a considerable amount.  fortunately, i have decently long ones to begin with.

2.quasi and i are planning a quick getaway weekend soon, so i order not one, not two, but five swimsuits from victoria's secret.  i'm not even kidding you, those VS swimsuit models are always trying to convince me that if i buy their swimsuits, i, too, will look like them while wearing them.  i'm not sure if they take into account the 6 muffins i ate for breakfast or the 4 fajitas i had at lunch.

(i got all five of these swimsuits.)

3. the post about my DIY project, a panic attack, and the unveiling of quasi's identity is coming very very soon.  just not over here.  it's being debuted somewhere else.  (i'll give you a hint - it's going to be posted next tuesday a.m. so get stoked and mark your calendars accordingly.)

dear readers, i need your help. swimsuit help, to be exact.

so it's that time of year again.  swimsuit season time.  i have this love-hate relationship with swimsuit season.  mostly because these women below make me feel like crap about myself (and make me rethink that bag of organic blue corn chips and  vanilla-sugar cookies i just ate), but also because i end up spending hundreds of dollars on swimsuits i'm not even entirely sure i love.   that's where you gals (and guys) come in because you may know me better than i know myself.

so i went to trusted victoria's secret.com and narrowed down my search to some of the most affordable and cutest swimsuits.  i have lots of patterned swimsuits, so i'm kind of going to a solid color and simplicity here.  they pretty much have 345092 different colors for each of these swimsuits, so just because a color is/isn't shown here it doesn't mean they don't have it.  i'll be buying two, so help me choose!

note to self: you are not allowed to eat this weekend.  geez.

swimsuits i will never wear

i should probably be talking about the grammy's last night, but with swimsuit season fast approaching (well, hopefully fast approaching in houston, at least.  it is 38 degrees here this morning and 57 degrees in my effing office), i decided i needed to scratch some suits off the list immediately.  i'm sure my faithful male readers are going to love this post and won't be able to get past the photos of the half-naked women long enough to actually read my comments and get my point.  ladies, however, i know you'll understand and appreciate what i'm saying. 

{i'm not really a fan of clothes that look like they were dragged through a garbage disposal before i purchase them.  well, expect jeans.  i'm okay with holey jeans.  plus, whether you have small melons or large melons, i'm pretty certain your puppies' little noses would peek out in the get-up.}

{anytime an article of clothing looks like an animal was brutally massacred in the making isn't something i particularly want to wear.  in this case, it looks like some endangered species of a new zealand bird has it's wings chopped off for this top.}

{i have to admit, i actually kind of like this swimsuit.  in fact i like it a lot, i just don't think i'd ever wear it as a swimsuit.  can you imagine trying to actually swim in that??  i'm pretty sure you'd drown with your arms attached to your body like that.  i'd totally wear this a a unitard top thing with shorts or a skirt, though.}

{umm, can you say "worst tan lines EVER"?!  and if this model's derrier is not fitting in these bottoms, i'm pretty sure my arse won't be fitting either.}

{the point of wear a swimsuit is not so i can look like i was wrapped with nude color ace bandages.}

{i don't care how old i am, i will NEVER EVER wear this.  in fact, i ask you to kill me if i am seen in it.  the hat?  maybe.}

{these beads go only in a 1960s door entry way.}

{she may be going to a texas rodeo, so for this, i will not judge her.}