news you can use #20: it IS possible to have your eyelashes burned off by a flaming hot oven; VS models forced me to buy five swimsuits; and the unveiling of quasi

today's news you can use! is going to be a bit different.  you can thank my insane schedule for that one.  my day involves back to back to back to back meetings, so i'm actually posting this from my phone.  (whoever doubts my love for you should be feeling ashamed right about now!)  anyways, there are some important unimportant things i feel like you should know:

1. it IS possible to have your eyelashes burned off by sticking your head in a 450 degree oven.  i did it last night, and yes i am serious.  

so you know how i like to bake, right?  seeing as though i'm allergic to 90% of packaged goods, i experiment with various recipes to make something yummy and delicious and full of sugar.  well last night, i decided to make some "cinnamon-oatmeal-whole-grain-banana-muffins."  (they are delish, p.s.)  well, this being an experiment, i continually checked on them.  (i treat muffin making very seriously.)  

(here i am baking in my kitchen.)

apparently, i must have stuck my head or face too far in because this great rush of flaming hot heat seared my face, burning off half the length of my eyelashes.  i don't have a picture because i didn't take one.  i was too busy crying.  i three-way called my mom and quasi to determine if 911 would accept "burned eyelashes" as a legitimate emergency.  they both said "NO."  

suffice if to say, my left eyelashes are now shorter than my right eyelashes by a considerable amount.  fortunately, i have decently long ones to begin with.

2.quasi and i are planning a quick getaway weekend soon, so i order not one, not two, but five swimsuits from victoria's secret.  i'm not even kidding you, those VS swimsuit models are always trying to convince me that if i buy their swimsuits, i, too, will look like them while wearing them.  i'm not sure if they take into account the 6 muffins i ate for breakfast or the 4 fajitas i had at lunch.

(i got all five of these swimsuits.)

3. the post about my DIY project, a panic attack, and the unveiling of quasi's identity is coming very very soon.  just not over here.  it's being debuted somewhere else.  (i'll give you a hint - it's going to be posted next tuesday a.m. so get stoked and mark your calendars accordingly.)

why i'm so glad i woke up alive this morning and didn't die in my sleep.

i know the post title sounds serious and that's because it kind of is.  not really.  so last night, i'm sitting at my kitchen table attempting to put a second permanent invisishield cover on my iphone.  (the night before quasi had put the first invisishield screen on UPSIDE-FREAKING-DOWN leaving my phone a sticky mess.  long story.  i thought my life was over yesterday and my phone was going to be ruined forever.)  oh, and i was baking more of those easter bunny sugar cookies.  i started with ten boxes and i'm down to two.  don't judge.   for those of you who are familiar with those invisishield things, you have to be really precise about it.  plus, they're $30 and this was the second one since the first got all effed up, so i was a little bitter about spending $60 for a damn protective shield.  well, technically i didn't buy them, but it was still money that could have been spent on other things.

anyways, so like i said i'm sitting at my kitchen table trying to have the concentration of a surgeon conducting a dangerous, evasive brain surgery.  one wrong move, and the person iphone is dead.  while i'm totally absorbed with the task at hand, my little nugget has dragged out her toy basket and is throwing her toys all around the apartment.

she's kicking bones with her paws, watches them slide across the wood floor, then chases after them sliding into walls and making a shitload of noise.  i'm trying to get her to stop and be still for a little bit because she's totally ruining my focus style.  naturally, she doesn't listen because she doesn't care.  she's like a teenager, but at least i can lock her in her crate.  last i checked with CPS, you're not allowed to do that with kids.  supposedly.  we'll see.  

so i put the screen on the phone, finally, and admire my hard work.  i then turn to see my little nugget head laying sideways on the floor trying to stretch out and reach a rawhide that has slid under the couch.  (this is a nightly thing.  drives me insane.)  so she's making this awful scraping noise with her claws on the metal bar under the couch.  it's like nails on a chalkboard but worse.  finally, i finish my iphone surgery and get up to get the bone so she'll stop.  

when i bend down to get it, she jumps on my back and bites my ponytail.  (she's obsessed with ears, ponytails, and buns.  it's really weird.)  i jolt up very quickly and as i do i knock the back of my head on my coffee table and fall back to the ground.  i try to stand up, but when i do i fall back down and i'm seeing all these black spots.  

i touch the back of my head and see a tiny bit of red.  no, i'm not bleeding profusely or anything, but enough to say, shit, i'm bleeding, i coud be dying.  what if this is brain fluid?  omg, i don't even have a will.

my head is pounding and i fear my brain is hemorrhaging.  i lay on the couch for a few minutes thinking, i can't even call 911 because that damn invisishield on my phone is still drying!  maybe if i scream loud enough my neighbors will hear me.  but what if screaming makes my brain bleed more?  these are the thoughts going through my wounded and bruised brain.  eventually i get up still feeling wobbly and text my mom.  very carefully, of course because my phone is still drying.

me: mom, i think i'm dying.

mom: no, you're not.

me: yes.  i have a concussion.

mom: how?

me: bailey's bone went under the couch, when i went to get it, i slammed the back of my head into the corner of my coffee table.  i saw stars.  and not the famous kind.  and blood, too.

mom: you probably do have a concussion.  have you thrown up?

me: no, but i have cookies baking in the oven.  shit!  i have cookies in the oven!  they might be burning while my head is bleeding!

mom: go eat your cookies and call me if you throw up.

me: but what if i'm so incapacitated i can't call?  and why are you always telling me to eat cookies.  you are such an enabler.  you want me to be fat.

mom: bailey will call.  and you could never be fat.

me: oh, no!  i can't go to sleep tonight!  what if i have an aneurism in my sleep and i wake up dead!

mom: you can't "wake up dead."

me: you know what i mean.  what if i don't wake up?!  i'll be like liam neeson's wife who hit her head in the terrible ski accident and then went into a coma and never came out of it!  what if that happens?!

mom: then i'll be sad.

thank you, mother for your undying love and support.  fortunately i did wake up alive this morning.

a true, in real life, scary story

i hope everyone had a happy easter or passover weekend (shoutout to my favorite jews).  i personally love easter.  it is the whole basis of my faith, so in terms of meaning, it's numero uno.  plus, i love the treats and presents the easter bunny brings me, the easter egg hunt where my family's eggs contain cool things like umm $50 bills, and the delicious food.  unfortunately, i'm not here to talk about my amazing easter weekend.  or  to show you awesome pics from yesterday's celebrations.  sads, i know.  what i have to share with you will scare you.  seriously, scare your panties off.

i have a very, very true scary story.  it's real.  it's not one of those "this is based on a true story" stories.  this really, in real life, happened to me last thursday night and it was traumatizing, to say the least.

so last thursday night i'm getting home late from dinner.  it was like 10 o'clock at night.  (like i said really late.) anyways, i'm pretty sure i've described where i live to you all, but just in case you forgot, i'll remind you - very woodsy, lots of trees, really dark at night, lots of nature which means tons of squirrels and birds and other animals...

okay, so let me set the scene: i'm still in my work clothes - a super cute skirt suit and a pair of 3-inch heels and i'm carrying my giant purse which is large enough to carry the amount of rice needed to feed the country of uganda for a month, three weeks worth of dry cleaning, some work files because i'm a workaholic, and my new iphone.  (IN LOVE, btw.)  so here i am minding my own biznass.  i'm walking down the narrow path leading to my condo which is lined with lots of nature-y bush plants that look like they're from the dinosaur period.  i'm sure these plants have a name, but i'm not a botanist and i'm pretty sure google wouldn't be any help when my best description of the plant is "alien dinosaur plant."  sorry, i digress.

like i said, i was minding my own biznass, when i turn the corner and run right into.... 

CHARLIE (!!!@%#(&*^#&*%^!!!!!!!!!!!)

 

{i am going to kill you!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

holy shiz, right?!  i freaked and screamed and ran.  really, really fast back to my car.  i swear i heard him say, "i know where you sleep and i'm going to kill you" as i ran.  i can't be certain though, my heart was pounding and obscured my hearing.  i sat in my car for the next 30 minutes hyperventilating debating on whether or not i would just camp out in my car until morning.  

this wasn't the first time i had ever seen charlie.  but, you see, normally charlie looks like this:

he is about the size of a small bear cub (he's a big ass possum), and he is generally amicable and polite not rabid and effing crazy.  bailey was spending the night at her mimi's on thursday night, so she wasn't there to save my life.  i have since told baily about it and i expect there to be a showdown between my little bat-eared nugget and mr. charlie.  i'm contacting UFC to see if they want to air the fight on pay-per-view.  we'll see.

you watch your back charlie, you little furry jerk.

news use you can use #10: how i narrowly escaped death

so as some of you know, i am away at a conference in austin, tx which is why you haven't heard from me today.  i know, sad story.  what's even sadder is THIS.  please tell me you watch the news, read the newspaper, or something.  just in case you are too lazy to click on the link which i so un-lazily hyperlinked for you, i will tell you what is particularly newsworthy in my life today - i could have died.

look, i know.  you're scared and you're wondering if i'm okay.  cathy (aka - antsy pants) was worried as shit about me and sent me an email to confirm whether i was alive or dead.  true friend, that cath is.  and the answer to that question is yes, i am okay.  barely, though.

here's the deets on what went down: a software engineering guy peeved at the IRS (who isn't peeved at the IRS?) decided he was so mad he'd set fire to his own house then fly his plane into an office building that houses federal tax employees.  oh, and i should mention this happened in AUSTIN, TX this morning.  the same AUSTIN, TX i'm in RIGHT NOW.  now you're scared, right?  to scare you even more and to make you thankful that i'm alive, here are some pics documenting my whole near death experience.*

* just for good measure and to make sure i don't sound insensitive or seem like i'm making light of this awful event, no one died in this event.  well, the man who flew the plane into the building who also burnt down his house died, but (to my knowledge, which can be sketchy sometimes) there were injuries, but no deaths, thank goodness.