news you can use #20: it IS possible to have your eyelashes burned off by a flaming hot oven; VS models forced me to buy five swimsuits; and the unveiling of quasi

today's news you can use! is going to be a bit different.  you can thank my insane schedule for that one.  my day involves back to back to back to back meetings, so i'm actually posting this from my phone.  (whoever doubts my love for you should be feeling ashamed right about now!)  anyways, there are some important unimportant things i feel like you should know:

1. it IS possible to have your eyelashes burned off by sticking your head in a 450 degree oven.  i did it last night, and yes i am serious.  

so you know how i like to bake, right?  seeing as though i'm allergic to 90% of packaged goods, i experiment with various recipes to make something yummy and delicious and full of sugar.  well last night, i decided to make some "cinnamon-oatmeal-whole-grain-banana-muffins."  (they are delish, p.s.)  well, this being an experiment, i continually checked on them.  (i treat muffin making very seriously.)  

(here i am baking in my kitchen.)

apparently, i must have stuck my head or face too far in because this great rush of flaming hot heat seared my face, burning off half the length of my eyelashes.  i don't have a picture because i didn't take one.  i was too busy crying.  i three-way called my mom and quasi to determine if 911 would accept "burned eyelashes" as a legitimate emergency.  they both said "NO."  

suffice if to say, my left eyelashes are now shorter than my right eyelashes by a considerable amount.  fortunately, i have decently long ones to begin with.

2.quasi and i are planning a quick getaway weekend soon, so i order not one, not two, but five swimsuits from victoria's secret.  i'm not even kidding you, those VS swimsuit models are always trying to convince me that if i buy their swimsuits, i, too, will look like them while wearing them.  i'm not sure if they take into account the 6 muffins i ate for breakfast or the 4 fajitas i had at lunch.

(i got all five of these swimsuits.)

3. the post about my DIY project, a panic attack, and the unveiling of quasi's identity is coming very very soon.  just not over here.  it's being debuted somewhere else.  (i'll give you a hint - it's going to be posted next tuesday a.m. so get stoked and mark your calendars accordingly.)

-- UPDATED -- a letter: i'm on to you, girl scouts of america

dear girl scouts of america:

don't think i don't know what you're up to.  i'm on to you and your plan to make me fat one daisy go-round and trefoil at a time.  i've already purchased 32 boxes of cookies from you brown and green vest-wearing people.  you heard me: THIRTY TWO.  i can prove it by taking a picture of my hall closet for you.  that's right, i said my hall closet.  right next to my ironing board, an exercise ball i never use, and a couple of "buns of steel" circa 1988 workout videos.  do you know why i have your awfully delicious cookies in my hall closet??  because I HAVE NO ROOM IN MY PANTRY.  that's why.  you people are enablers who are interfering with my daily nutritional needs.

 

 {well isn't this just the most PC photo op ever.}

like i said i have THIRTY TWO boxes.  i tell you people this every single day when i go into the grocery store.  there's like 53 of you, all no taller than chuy on chelsea lately, grabbing at my waist begging me to "support your troop!" and buy yet another box of regrettable goodness.  well, you know what ladies??  i've had it!  i've had it with you making me fat just in time for swimsuit season.  you get me on the way in AND then again on the way out.  i know you remember me scream "NO!!" at you the first time.  and you should know that "no" means "no!"  wouldn't want to have a lawsuit on your hands like kobe did, now do you??  that would taint the name of girl scouts of america in a hot minute.

so please, for the love of toned thighs, six-pack abs, and my desire to look like alessandra ambrosio, please leave me alone.

i'm almost out of trefoils, p.s.  you know where i live and i think you still have my credit card number.

love and girl scouts honor,
meredith

---

sidenote #1: a few of you have asked how i'm able to eat these with my food allergies.  i can't eat all of them, (i.e. - the ones that contain milk and nuts), but i can eat the daisy go-rounds (the cinnamon-sugar ones).  i hear i'm missing out on all of the other flavors but whatev.  also, i'm gotten a lot of the little girl scout devel recipes and "modify" some of them to what i can eat. 

sidenote #2:  i don't eat all the boxes by myself!!!  i sent some boxes overseas to the troops in iraq and afghanistan and some to friends going to grad school in other countries and i keep some in my car to give to homeless people asking for food or money.

the (un)domesticated goddess

alright, so remember how i was on this whole "i-need-to-learn-how-to-cook-in-order-to-one-day-raise-a-good-healthy-and-stable-family" kick?  and how i made this organic banana oat bread that actually didn't turn out half bad?

well, last night i decided i needed to take another stab at this whole cooking thing.  quasi-bf (who is still hungover and feeling crappy from his weekend of reliving the glory days with his high school football buddies - don't even ask how old he is now) texts me and asks what i want to do for dinner - should we go out to dinner or should he pick up food on the way over.  notice there were only two options, not a third of oh, maybe you should cook a delicious homecooked meal!  so because he doesn't give a third option, i call him:


 "hey, how about i just cook for us tonight?"

(pause) "really?"

"what do you mean 'really??'  YES, really.  i'm going to cook.  i have some chicken tenderloins marinating, some asparagus, butternut squash, and i can cook brown rice.  oh, and i still have that loaf of rosemary olive oil bread we got the other day.  AND i made your favorite kind of brownies last night."

"oh, okay... well, do you want me to pick up anything else for dinner from the store on my way over?"

"umm, no... what else would you get?  didn't my menu sound like a full meal??"

(nervous laugh)  "well, yeah, i mean, i was just making sure..."

he's obviously nervous, people.  whatever, i'll show him.  we hang up and i morph into betty crocker/rachel ray/martha stewart/emeril/(insert good cook here).  let me start by saying i have a really shitty knife set.  the set is old and the knives aren't sharp.  this never used to be a problem because i never used to cook, you see.  so i put the brown rice on the stove and the chicken goes in the oven because those two will take the longest.  (i still haven't gotten the whole timing thing down.  my food seems to all be done at different times and quite frankly, it's pissing me off, so i planned ahead and tried to do a better job of it this time.) 

next was the butternut squash.  now if you don't know what a butternut squash looks like, it's basically like a pumpkin, with a stem and everything.  here's a pic for you visual people out there.  there was a sticker on the side telling me i was supposed to cut this bad boy in half, dig out the seeds, and bake face down for 45 minutes.  easy enough, right??  WRONG.  i got the largest knife i had and started trying to cut into the thing.  after about 5 minutes of carefully sawing with the dull, crappy knife and starting to sweat, i realize i needed to try a different approach.  so i get smart and decide to stab it and try to cut my way down through the rest of it.  it wasn't budging, so i push harder until i stab myself in the hand.  and by stab, i really mean small puncture wound with lots of blood.  fortunately i have a butterfly strip to close up the wound and wrap my hand in guaze like a boxer.  you see, people, i'm dedicated and am not giving up, stab wound and all i press forward.  i pry the butternut squash apart, throw in face down, and put it in the oven.

the only thing that turned out good in this meal was the asparagus (because all i did was steam them), the rice (how hard is it to cook rice??), the bread (because i didn't make it), and the brownies (because i seriously AM betty crocker).  i burned the chicken so it was crispy and dry, and i just left the butternut squash in the oven to roast because i was still so damn mad.

needless to say, i am still not the domestic goddess i hoped to be by now.

quick weekend recap

friday:  had a dinner & a movie date with an old college friend.  it was awesome catching up and we realized how much we had missed each other and needed to get together more often.  because we're both obsessed with gerard butler, we went and saw his new movie law abiding citizen.  here's the deal (semi-spoiler alert)... while i heart me some gerard, his role in the film kinda freaked me out, to be honest.  i'm into good psycho-thriller movies to some extent (if they're not too scary or messed up), but not when the psycho is my heart throb.

i don't know how you couldn't love this guy

saturday: i did some much needed cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, errands, caught up on some work, etc. and watched college football all day and about five episodes of say yes to the dress on my fave TLC.  i was able to run some much-needed errands that i kept putting off, and i also bought out half the women's nike section at academy.  cute new workout clothes are always a good motivation.  spent saturday evening and night with the family and went to my little brother's high school football game with my mom.  just in case you haven't heard, high school football's kind of a big deal in texas.  (see friday night lights or varsity blues and you'll get the idea.)

sunday:  i baked (from scratch) some organic banana oat bread!!!!!!  remember how i don't cook??  well, this bread turned out amazing.  it took forever and i made an awful mess, but it was a success.  had a late night soccer game, which we won, but i was eaten alive by mosquitos (another spawn of satan creature).  finally saw the quasi-bf after he had a reunion weekend with all his buddies.  he apparantly can't drink like he used to.  i think that's what happens when you get old.

here's the recipe for the banana oat bread.  i made mine with all organic ingredients and whole grain flour.

bread:

• 1 teaspoon(s) baking powder

• 1 teaspoon(s) baking soda

• 3/4 teaspoon(s) salt

• 2 cup(s) all-purpose flour

• 1 cup(s) quick-cooking oats

• 1/2 cup(s) brown sugar

• 1/2 cup(s) butter or margarine

• 2 large ripe bananas, mashed

• 1/4 cup(s) milk

• 2 teaspoon(s) vanilla extract

• 2 large eggs

crumb topping:

• 3 tablespoon(s) all-purpose flour

• 3 tablespoon(s) quick-cooking oats

• 3 tablespoon(s) brown sugar

• 3 tablespoon(s) margarine or butter

directions:

1. preheat oven to 350 degrees. grease a 9" by 5" loaf pan.

2. in large bowl, mix baking powder, baking soda, salt, 2 cups flour, 1 cup oats, and 1/2 cup packed brown sugar until blended. with pastry blender or two knives used scissor-fashion, cut in 1/2 cup margarine or butter (1 stick) until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. stir in mashed bananas, milk, vanilla extract, and eggs just until flour is moistened. spoon batter into pan.

3. prepare crumb topping: in small bowl, with fork, mix 3 tablespoons flour, 3 tablespoons oats, 3 tablespoons brown sugar, and 3 tablespoons margarine or butter until blended. sprinkle crumb topping evenly over batter.

4. bake bread 1 hour and 10 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. cool in pan on wire rack 10 minutes; remove from pan and finish cooling on wire rack.

do i really need to learn how to cook?

so i've been thinking i need to somehow fulfill one of the many gender stereotypes associated with being female: i need to learn how to cook.  and while i'm definitely not one for stereotypes, a recent inventory of my pantry and refrigerator and an overall inventory of what my daily meals consist of led me to this conclusion of needing to learn how to cook.  maybe i can cook, i just don't.  i mean, i can make your basics like spaghetti, eggs, grilled cheese, mac & cheese, sauteed/steamed veggies.  although, i do have to admit, i think i gave myself minor food poisoning once for not cooking ground turkey long enough; may have just been a coincidence, who knows.  let me give you an example of what i eat in a typical day: central market organic flaxseed waffles, kashi cereal, chai tea luna bars, whatever is brought into the office during lunch, so usually deli sandwiches and chips or whatever tickles the quasi-bf's fancy, so usually  restaurant close by, chocolate chip chewy granola bars, and for dinner, one of the following restaurants: freebird's (burritos), russo's (pizza), escalante's (mexican), cafe express (turkey burger and sweet potato fries), or rajin' cajun (red beans and rice).  my point is: I.DON'T.COOK.  i live alone so i've never really had a need to learn, plus my mom hated (and still does) to cook so i never had a passion for cooking instilled in me.


i can bake, and by "i can bake" i really mean i can turn on the oven to 350 degrees and carefully place break-and-bake cookies in a straight line onto a cookie sheet.  and, voila! in approximately 9 minutes you have freshly-baked cookies!  (please don't shamefully shake your head in disdain, i'm just being honest here, and my cookies still end up pretty damn good.)  clearly, i'm no betty crocker and i'm certainly no ace of cakes, though that's not really my goal.  quite frankly, when it comes to cooking, there's nothing "domestic" about me.  i'm worried i'm going to make a bad wife and mother one day. 


in order to overcome this, i have recently begun perusing various cooking blogs and cooking websites.  (seriously, on virtually all of the blogs i read, the women cook.  wtf?  i guess i'm not a "good" woman.)  i'm wanting to make a "binder" cookbook and i figured i better start off simple and easy, so i checked out the food network's "quick and easy" section and this is what it gave me:

seriously, you've got to be kidding me?!  a big pile of sausage and onions.  really?  that's the food network's idea of a good "quick and easy" dinner.  that looks disgusting and would give anyone problems in the bathroom for days.

clearly, the food network is not all it's cracked up to be so i googled "easy chicken dishes" and eventually came up with this little number... chicken scallopine over broccoli rabe.  i only understand three out of those five words (chicken, over, and broccoli) so we'll see how this turns out.  it was apparantly under "15-minute chicken dishes."  (we'll see...)

1 tablespoon olive oil

1/3 cup Italian-seasoned breadcrumbs

1/4 teaspoon black pepper

4 (6-ounce) skinless, boneless chicken breast cutlets

1/2 cup dry white wine (or not)

1/2 cup fat-free, less-sodium chicken broth

3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

1 teaspoon butter

1 pound broccoli rabe (rapini), cut into 3-inch pieces

2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

2 tablespoons capers, rinsed and drained

4 lemon slices (optional)

- heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat.

- combine breadcrumbs and pepper in a shallow dish; dredge chicken in breadcrumb mixture. add chicken to pan; cook 3 minutes on each side or until done. remove from pan; keep warm.

- add wine (hell no), broth, juice, and butter to pan, scraping pan to loosen browned bits. stir in broccoli rabe; cover and cook 3 minutes or until broccoli rabe is tender. stir in parsley and capers. serve chicken over broccoli rabe mixture. garnish with lemon slices, if desired.

i'm allergic to wine (i know, blasphemous. but seriously the stuff will kill me.) so i had to tweak the recipe just a bit.  i'll let you know how it turns out and if i'm a domestic failure.