even emeril doesn't get salmonella

any of you near and dear to me wondering why i've been M.I.A.?  no?  okay, fine.  wishful thinking on my part.  for those of you not wondering, i'm going to tell you anyways.  lucky you.  friday night, i hung out with a couple of my best friends from college.  my friend, sara, was cooking dinner for a few of us - and being the greatest best friend that i am - i offered to help her with the chicken.  chicken is one of the few things i'm good at cooking.  i was handling raw chicken meat and thought i washed my hands very thoroughly because i'm so obsessive-compulsive about washing my hands.  still, they obviously were not washed thoroughly enough...

i have had salmonella food poisoning and am still getting over it.  let's just say i woke up yesterday morning having an asthma attack and had a low-grade fever... shortly there after i began projectile linda blair exorcist style vomiting all.freaking.day.  i didn't even know there was that many fluids in the human body.  it was gross.  i ended up having to go to the ER last night because my fever was really high and would go down and i couldn't keep any liquids down.  slowly but surely i'm getting better and i'll be back in the blogosphere in no time!

news you can use #9: giveaway winner, THE ga, psychiatry, samba queen, cows in new zealand, and SVU v-day cards

the winner of my first ever giveaway is... juliana from a blonde walks into a blog.  congrats, m'dear!! 

{i hope you and the hubby luff them!}

THE ga and cydi lauper are the new faces for the M.A.C. AIDS fund.  seriously, y'all i'm obsessed.  thanks to my bff to this information.

{cyndi is sooooo lucky!!!!}

psychiatry's bible rewritten.  don't know what the psychiatric bible is?  it's the DSM - diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders.  kind of seems like it should really be called DSMMD, but what do i know.  according to an article from the washington post, "children who throw too many tantrums could be diagnosed with 'temper dysregulation disorder with dysphoria.'  and teenagers who are particularly eccentric might be candidates for treatment for "psychosis risk syndrome."  men who are just way too interested in sex risk being labeled as suffering from 'hypersexual disorder.' "  my questions to the DSM are: are you suggesting parents drug their children?  benadryl is an OTC drug, so i supposed that could work.  i don't know a teen who isn't a little weird.  AND what man isn't obsessed with sex??  i can only imagine what disorders i'd be diagnosed with according to the geniuses.

 the winter olympics start TOMORROW.  for the next two weeks my life will be pretty much booked.

seven year old samba queen.  seven year old, julia lira, gets the "ok" to be the samba queen at rio de jainero's carnival.  if you don't know what carnival is in south america, just think of mardi gras on steroids.  i dated a colombian guy and their carnival parties get cuh-ra-zzzzay.

{i have to admit, i'm really jealous.  i wanted to be samba queen this year!!}

new zealand has more cows than it does people.  this is for true.  "a record 5.8 million dairy cattle were counted in the year ended june 2009, statistics new zealand said tuesday — well more than one animal for each of the country's 4.3 million citizens."

{just because i know how much you all loved the cat tattoo.}

law and order: SVU has special valentine's day cards.  don't fret about sunday's big day.  you still have time to get your lover their very own v-day card compliment of my friends at l&o: svu.

{christopher meloni read my mind.}

praise sweet baby Jesus that tomorrow is finally friday.  this has been a hellacious week.

getting all webMD in your face: food allergies

now that you all know what the title of my blog really means, a few of you have asked me some other questions.

a lot of you know that i have a few food allergies, desiree from at clemson girl and bathwater asked me what exactly my food allergies were and bathwater specifically wanted to know how i survived on marshmallows alone. 

good question since i've never really gone into any detail about it.  the answer is: i starve myself.  well, not really, but that's what i tell people when they ask me at a luncheon why i'm not eating.  actually, when i'm at a luncheon and i can't eat any of the food, women always ask me: oh my gosh, meredith!  why aren't you eating??  you're going to wither away to nothing.  you're already skinny.  i typically give them a dirty look and say: i'm not skinny, you're just overweight, so you think i'm skinny.  oh, and i'm anorexic.  'rexies don't eat, ya know.  it's irritating, to say the least.  though maybe if i had kate moss' willpower to not eat, i would go that route.  unfortunately, i don't.  i love food and i love to eat.  clearly.

anybitch, food allergies are a lot more complicated than a lot of people realize.  for example, just because i can eat something from one restaurant doesn't mean i can eat that same dish from another restaurant because each place uses different ingredients and has different preparation methods.  for instance, i can't eat apples during certain months out of the year when ragweed and mold spore counts are high.  for a couple months out of the year, eating certain fruits and vegetables when environmental allergens are high causes my mouth to break out in blisters.

so in a nutshell (no pun intended) here's what i'm allergic to.  and you should know, my food allergies weren't always like this, they've just gotten worse as i've gotten older for some reason.  apparently people can both grow out of and into food allergies, unfortunately.  so some of these are fairly new (like within the past two years), so it's taking some getting used to. 

milk
(yes, this also means ice cream, certain cheeses, yogurt, and anything creamy delicious)

soy

nuts  

(primarily almonds.  i think i may be able to eat some other kinds, but i just avoid all nuts just to be safe.)

shellfish 

(i.e. oysters, shrimp, crab, lobster, etc. - anything with a shell on it and lives in the ocean.  duh.)

certain kinds of fish

beef

avocados

mushrooms

SULFITES  

(the biggest, baddest bitch of them all)

the sulfite allergy is the most serious of them all because it is a preservative found in A LOT of different kinds of food.  here's just some of the foods that contain sulfites: wine, bottle lemon and lime juices, molasses, dried fruit, grape juice, frozen potatoes, fresh mushrooms, guacamole dip, salad dressing, vinegar, fruit topping, gravy, sauces, pickles, maple syrup, imported sausages, certain deli meats, prepackaged muffin mixes, cider, soft drinks, beer, pre-made pie crust and pizza dough, crackers, boxed cookies... the list goes on... so you kind of get the idea how it's somewhat difficult to to "grab a meal on the go." 

the reactions i have from accidentally eating foods i shouldn't have eaten can be very, very mild and not life threatening like itchiness or tingling.  The more moderate reactions include hives, stomach cramping, vomiting, and a drop in blood pressure.  The most serious reactions are include swelling of tongue, lips, and airways to straight up anaphylaxis (i.e. you can't breathe).  obviously the most life threatening reaction is an anaphylatic reaction in which your airways close completely and you are unable to breathe.  this isn't a good feeling.  it's scary and hopeless and you feel like "oh, shit, i'm going to die."  because if you can't breathe, you die.  unless you are a superhero and can breathe through your skin.  i'm not a superhero, just a superbitch so breathing through the skin doesn't work for me.  this mean that an epi-pen is my best friend.  "epi" gets to go EVERYWHERE i go.  and if i have a reaction i get stabbed by epi.

my mom is actually a medical freak when it comes to allergies. like she's been stabbed with the epi lots of times.  i am NOTHING compared to her.  she has eight different kinds of food she is able to eat without having a severe anaphylactic reaction.  part of the reason why i'm so crazy is because i am constantly worrying about her.  she is actually being studied by a lot of doctors around the u.s. and receives testing from a research hospital in denver, colorado called national jewish hospital.  my little sister also attends that research hospital for her medical issues.  unfortunately, there is no "cure" for severe food allergies, there is only awareness.  having asthma on top of food allergies typically doesn't help much either.  the food allergy and anaphylaxis network actually has a fundraiser walk each year.  you can check it out here and see when it'll be coming to your city. 

well, now that i've given you a lesson you could have received from webMD, i'll be back to talking about THE ga tomorrow.  or maybe i'll answer one of your more tantalizing questions... we'll see how i'm feeling.  if you hated this very boring, but educational post - sorrs.  if we're going to be BFF, you better know what you're getting yourself into.  (i'm talking to you, trifecta - jess and money.) 

oh, and i guess i should answer the question: what do i eat??  i eat banana bread for breakfast every single morning, pretty much.  since a lot of breads have milk and/or soy in them, i have become the betty crocker of bread baking.  seriously.  i'm kind of awesome at baking.  99% of everything i eat is organic.  i eat lots of chicken, pork, egg whites, brown rice, beans, sweet potato fries, and veggies.  i have this great pizza place i love in houston that i go to every now and then.  i just have to eat the pizza without the cheese!  for sweets, i eat rice dream (kind of like ice cream, but not) and lots of vanilla sugar cookies and oatmeal cookies.  for snacks i eat organic blue corn chips, rice cakes, baby carrots, back to nature cookies and honey graham sticks.  i can pretty much eat anything a "normal" person eats, just sometimes it has to be highly modified!  i follow a lot of recipes in a monthly magazine i receive called living without.

and don't forget to enter my first ever giveaway!!  giveaway ends this wednesday, and a winner will be announced thursday morning!!

news you can use #7: country's status, pregnant man, octomom in bikini, cool shit, man with 44 lizards in his pants

state of da union.  the p.o.t.u.s. gave his state of the union address last night.  i have to ask, did you watch vice pres joe biden during the speech??  joe, with his flawless veneers and hair plugs, cracks me up.  i seriously can't help but love the guy for all the things he shouldn't be doing or saying in public.  he tried to clap at the weirdest, most awkward times, and he kept smiling at moments where you shouldn't have been smiling, and he kept playing with his tie.  he did have a great tie.

{"yo B!  B.O.!  you want me to do the jack nicholson impression now??  i can divert their attention away from our shitty economy!  now??  okay!"}

second pregnant man.  scott moore and his husband, thomas, were both born female and underwent sex changes.  scott's now expecting and is due with a baby boy next month.  don't believe me?  you think i'd lie to you?  you can read about it here.

{is it just me or does that teddy bear in the corner really freak you out??  oh, wait the teddy bear's the least of my worries in this picture... scott, on the left, looks like an overgrown baby.}

octomom in a bikini!  say whaaaaat?!?  yep, octomom herself is frolicking around in a bikini saying she did it all without surgery.  allegedly.  you know what i say to that: LIAR!  there is no freaking way she had eight babies all up in her pikachu canal stretching her out!  and she wants to say she DIDN'T have surgery?!?!??  if she's spittin' the truth, then she is seriously a freak of nature and i'm sorry for calling her a liar.

{octomom in all her octo glory.}

{octocrazy now.  all i gotta say is: IN.SANE.  where did all that extra skin go??}

{you think the paris-nicole debaucle was bad.  you ain't seen nothin' yet!  THIS is the ultimate smackdown!!}

cool shit that i wish i invented. 

{i could hide store so much shit!}

{problem with singing into you loofa now SOLVED.}

{it's about damn time.  there's an ipod deck for everything, everywhere in the house.  it's about time the bathroom stopped being the neglected room in the house.}

man caught with 44 lizards in his pants.  i really truly don't understand my fellow homo sapien species sometimes.  honestly.  a german man was at an airport in new zealand when he was caught hiding 44 geckos in a hand-sewn pouch concealed in his underwear.  (wtf???)  he was sentenced to prison in new zealand for stealing the country's protected species.  once again, don't believe me?  fact check me here.

{he's lucky he didn't have 44 of these in his underoos...}

don't do drugs

so i know it's been a couple of days since i hit the blogosphere, but i have some good excuses for my brief hiatus:

monday:  my association hosted a political luncheon with our texas governor rick perry as guest speaker and a slew of elected officials from around the city, county, state, and nation.  it was a good turnout and the event ran smoothly.  even my bff sheila jackson lee made it with her entire entourage in tow.  if you don't know sjl, you need to read up on her.  fellow houstonians and texans, you know what i'm talking about.  i rushed back to the office for a meeting, then to the dentist to get my teefies cleaned.  if they had star charts at the dentist's office i would be leading, my dentist told me.  always a winner.

governor rick perry

i figured i'd stick with the whole political theme

tuesday:  here's the funnest day of my week so far - started off with a three hour allergist appointment full of lots of fun testing and needle pokes.  needless to say, i reacted to most everything, so they took six viles of blood to be sent off for more accurate results.  i'm anemic and had only eaten a banana for breakfast so i was about ready to pass out after they sucked the blood from me.  (had it been edward cullen taking my blood, i would have happily obliged.  yes, folks i said it.)  my parents live near my office, so i had gone to ride with my mom to the appointment.  we're leaving the hospital and my mom's telling me i need to get food and then she says: oh sh*t, this guy's gonna hit us!  i'm confused and don't see anything out of my passenger side view mirror so i turn to look over the other side.  sure enough, a guy in a truck (it is texas, you know) is coming over and isn't stopping and slams into us.  long story short, the guy doesn't stop, instead he continues driving slowly swerving across all lanes of the highway.  my mom's fight or flight response kicks in - she's a fight person and is ready to beat some ass.  i'm not so brave.  she starts chasing the guy as i call 911.  we find a county sheriff and honk and flash our lights so he knows what's going on.  once we pass him and he obviously sees our effed up car, he starts in on the chase, too.  meanwhile, guy who hit us runs another car off the road.  another sheriff's vehicle and a wrecker see this and come to cut the guy off.  after 5-10 miles of chase, they stop the guy, throw him to the ground, handcuff him, and toss him in the cop car.  it was all quite dramatic and i felt like we were on an episode of cops.  five sheriff's vehicles come to our rescue and let us know an ambulance is coming.  my mom has pre-existing neck and back injuries from previous car accidents, so we were neck braced and loaded and strapped down to boards with rope and duct tape.  classy, huh?  the arresting officer came into the ambulance before we leave to let us know the guy who hit us was high on prescription drugs so he got a DUI, evading law enforcement/resisting arrest, and child endangerment (he had a 2-year old and a 4-year old in the car, both were in carseats so they were okay).  i stayed tied up, immobile on that damn board for about three hours still feeling faint, needing food, and having to pee.  we're finally let out of the hospital four hours after getting there.

wednesday:  i'm back in the office today.  my neck, back, and head are killing me.  i am still wanting the blood the doctors stole from me yesterday back, and my arms are still full of allergy testing pricks.

needless to say, i've had an exciting two days.

moral of the story: DON'T DO DRUGS.

reasons to love TLC programming

my family, many of my friends, and the quasi-bf all think i'm weird for loving freakishly bizarre medical and science shows.  (i'm telling you people i should have gone into the medical field.  problem was that the sciences weren't really my thing.)  seriously though, with shows like the following, how could you not love TLC programming?!


- human spiders (people with extra limbs or parasitic twins attached to their bodies.  cool, right?)

- the woman with the giant legs (self explanatory.  the woman has giant legs.)

- i didn't know i was pregnant (women who unexpectedly go into labor without ever knowing they were even preggers.  you might be asking: "how did they not know they were preganant?!!"  to which i respond: "i don't have a freakin' clue?  seems like you'd notice those things, but watch the show and find out.")

- little people, big world (dwarf couple with a family of four kids.  super cute.)

- untold stories of the ER (people go into the ER with crazy things.  one example: lady fell asleep; june bug crawled in her ear; ENT doc had to remove it before it burrowed into her ear drum.)

- extreme forensics (self-explanatory.)

- mystery diagnosis (one of my faves.  people with bizarre, seemingly unrelated symptoms which many doctors have failed to diagnose.  some of these people live years with their ailment/disease until one day they find the right doctor to tell them what the heck is wrong with them.  i watch this show often to see if my little sister's symptoms match any case shown on the show.)

- mermaid girl (another fave.  almost-10 year old shiloh is the only known living "mermaid."  she was born with her legs fused together, thus looking like a mermaid!  amazing, right?!)

21st century: fueling germaphobia & hypochondria

i am already a self-admitted germaphobe.  i have found there are many others like me out there.  with all the public hand sanitizers and clorox/lysol wipes supplied in grocery stores, it's no wonder why germaphobe addictions continue to be fed.

apparantly the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.  so here it is, here i am taking the first step, here i am admitting i have a problem: i am a hypochondriac.

 i have reached this self-diagnosis from a myriad of experiences.  sometimes when i get a really bad headache or migraine, i'm convinced that it could only be one of three things: 1. at any moment i'm going to have a brain aneurism, 2. i have had a tumor that has been undetected for months, or 3. my brain is swelling rapidly and without quick action, i will surely die.  these headaches are typically accompanied with a quick phone call or text to my mom, and the conversations always take on the same kind of structure:

me: mom, i have a really bad headache.  i think there's something wrong with me.

mom: i agree.  there is something wrong with you.

me: no, really, i'm serious.  i think there is something physically wrong with my head.

mom: yeah, i know.  i'm serious, too.  i think there's something wrong in your head, too.


(she clearly does not understand the severity of the situation; i could die at any moment.)


when i feel even the slightest bit warm, i take my temperature.  when i have a sore throat, i inspect my tonsils with a flashlight for redness or infection.  when i have a really severe stomach ache, i make sure it's not on the side where my appendix is (because it could have ruptured, you know).

i think i've always had the tendencies necessary to become a hypochondriac, but it has most certainly been fueled thanks to web md, discovery health channel programming, and my favorite, house. 

i mean seriously, just now when i went to discovery health channel's website, the first thing that came up was this photo and caption:

what IS that skin lesion?  is it a simple spot or something DANGEROUS? and i think to myself, "well, sh*t, i don't know.  i thought it was just a paper cut, but now i can't really be certain!"

please let me know i'm not alone in my affliction.  isn't the best way to overcome a problem in a group??  okay, i'm going to drink some oj; someone in my office is coughing today and you can never have too much vitamin c to boost your immune system...

xo

-m